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Thursday, October 11, 2012


"The Lord doesn't care nearly as much about where you've been as He does where you are now and where you are willing to go."  --Jeffrey R. Holland


I am feeling so much better this week.  I lost half a pound at last night's weigh-in and 1.6 the week before.  Those numbers are still a little smaller than I would like, but I'm trying to be optimistic.  At least I'm headed in the right direction again.  I have been walking several times this week and I can now do about five miles again, which is a great improvement.  I'm feeling more in control and more confident that I can get this thing back on track very soon.

I had a long email chat with Katie's teacher and as Anne Shirley said in Anne of Green Gables, "I think we may be kindred spirits after all."  She is more aware of my feelings and concerns, more informed about Katie and what is normal for her and what is not, and we have come up with a game plan that will help Katie succeed in class without singling her out in a negative way.  I feel so much better.  Now I see why we are counseled in the Bible to go directly to the source to solve conflicts.  Once I talked with her teacher, all of my frustrations were on the table and she was able to share some of her concerns.  I pray now that Katie will begin to love school again and that her little self-esteem will flourish.

General Conference was like water on the dry, cracked desert soil for me.  It was so refreshing.  I cried like a baby through all the talks, especially Jeffrey R. Holland's.  I loved when he, speaking of Peter and the apostles on the ship the second time trying to fish, asked:  "Why are we here again, having this same discussion?"  I'm sure that I'm often needlessly repeating lessons that I've already had, reviewing scenarios that I really don't need to review.  I need to learn to learn, then learn to leave it behind and MOVE on!

I also loved Marcus Nash's talk.  I loved it for a very specific reason, which I am not ready to share with blogland.  I loved how he talked about an airplane having two wings:  one is logic and one is faith.  It cannot fly with logic alone.  Nor can it fly with faith alone.  But, for most of us, logic is the predominant wing.  He taught that we need to balance things out when we're making decisions in life, using logic as the valuable and God-given tool that it is, but also allowing faith to take over where logic fails.  I'm dealing with such a decision in my life at this time, though I cannot share what it is yet.  I also loved this quote:  "Testimony is the point of departure, not the final destination."  I love that!  I think that in the church we focus so much on testimony, but honestly, the gospel is much more about conversion.  Dallin H. Oaks was quoted a few times in conference as well for saying:  "Testimony is knowing and feeling.  Conversion is doing and becoming."

I am trying to raise the bar.  To lengthen my stride.  To stand a little taller.  To try a little harder.  These cliches are anything but cliche to me.  I am here to become.  I realize that I'm not expected to be perfect.  Not yet.  I can't be without the Savior.  I know that He can make much more out of my life than I could ever do on my own.

Monday, October 1, 2012


I have a dilemma when it comes to my days off from work.  Do I relax, work my tail end off, spend time enjoying family and helping with homework, or a little of all three.  I WISH that I could spend the day sleeping, reading, cooking, eating, and indexing.  Yeah.  That would be great.  The problem is that my list of things needing attention is at least as long as a novel.  The kitchen is a mess.  My bedroom is a disaster.  The kids' rooms are atrocious.  But, I am so tired and lonely, because Tyler is at school all day, then straight off to work.  And I feel guilty because sometimes when I'm tired, I turn into a beast to my sweet little babies.  And all the stress, loneliness, frustration, and contention lead up to a great big, sugary, fattening, horrible binge!  I am not well on days like this.  It is so very frustrating and overwhelming to have this eating disorder.  I am crying right now, because I am so aware of my potential.  I know that my eating problems and my unhealthy relationship with food is holding me back from achieving my dreams.  Or recognizing that this wonderful, crazy life IS my dream.  I truly have everything I've ever hoped for (minus a few bucks), but I am having a hard time enjoying life because of my dependence on food as a drug.

Yesterday I gave a lesson in Gospel Doctrine about Helaman Chapters 13-15.  Samuel the Lamanite was telling the Nephites that when we repent, we HAVE to involve the Lord in the process if we want our hearts changed.  President Benson was quoted in the lesson too and he basically said that there are many out there who have enough discipline and will-power to change habits.  We hear about their success stories every day.  But to truly repent and return, we need the Savior because it is He who heals the wounds, changes hearts and dispositions, and sanctifies us through His marvelous and all-encompassing Atonement.  I'm still not sure whether my compulsive eating is considered a sin or not, but I know that the Atonement allowed the Savior to suffer ALL things:  pain, fear, doubt, frustration, physical maladies, death, disease, weaknesses, discouragement, etc. so that He would know how he can succor us in our times of need.

I live a wonderful life.  I have the most wonderful husband.  He is a treasure to me, and I hope to never take our relationship for granted.  I told you about my friend Holly, who recently lost her sweetheart to cancer.  Since Trent's death, the realization that this life is so fragile has been etched into my heart and I truly am trying to savor each moment I have with my loved ones.  My children are so sweet.  We learn in the Bible that children are a blessing to the righteous.  They are a reward.  Sometimes, as a mommy, I forget that.  They are my reward.  That reward:  to be with my family forever, remains my goal.  I feel that my reclaiming my health is an important stepping stone because I can serve my family and neighbors so much more effectively as healthy and happy me than I can as sick, unhappy me.  I want to lose weight for Him.  And for my children.

I know my posts lately may have sounded frustrated, overwhelmed.  And truthfully, they are.  But I always have hope that someday I'll have this all figured out and I'll be able to level up.  I have decided that the safest place for me right now is in the center of God's will.  I will remain close to the Savior.  I will turn to Him.  He will be my Personal Trainer.  He will be my Nutritionist.  He will be my Counselor.  But most of all, I hope to have Him as a friend.

A family member recently asked me why I have chosen to make my personal battle with weight so public on my blog and also on Facebook, where I post my weigh-in results on a weekly basis.  I explained to him that I WANT people to see my struggle.  I believe that the more strenuous the struggle, the more glorious the victory.  I hope that they will see that I am still able to turn to the gospel of Jesus Christ for comfort.  I also want anyone else with an eating disorder to know that they are not alone.

I praise my Heavenly Father.  I am grateful for the tender mercies He bestows upon me each day.  He is good.  He is kind.  He is there for me.