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Monday, October 1, 2012


I have a dilemma when it comes to my days off from work.  Do I relax, work my tail end off, spend time enjoying family and helping with homework, or a little of all three.  I WISH that I could spend the day sleeping, reading, cooking, eating, and indexing.  Yeah.  That would be great.  The problem is that my list of things needing attention is at least as long as a novel.  The kitchen is a mess.  My bedroom is a disaster.  The kids' rooms are atrocious.  But, I am so tired and lonely, because Tyler is at school all day, then straight off to work.  And I feel guilty because sometimes when I'm tired, I turn into a beast to my sweet little babies.  And all the stress, loneliness, frustration, and contention lead up to a great big, sugary, fattening, horrible binge!  I am not well on days like this.  It is so very frustrating and overwhelming to have this eating disorder.  I am crying right now, because I am so aware of my potential.  I know that my eating problems and my unhealthy relationship with food is holding me back from achieving my dreams.  Or recognizing that this wonderful, crazy life IS my dream.  I truly have everything I've ever hoped for (minus a few bucks), but I am having a hard time enjoying life because of my dependence on food as a drug.

Yesterday I gave a lesson in Gospel Doctrine about Helaman Chapters 13-15.  Samuel the Lamanite was telling the Nephites that when we repent, we HAVE to involve the Lord in the process if we want our hearts changed.  President Benson was quoted in the lesson too and he basically said that there are many out there who have enough discipline and will-power to change habits.  We hear about their success stories every day.  But to truly repent and return, we need the Savior because it is He who heals the wounds, changes hearts and dispositions, and sanctifies us through His marvelous and all-encompassing Atonement.  I'm still not sure whether my compulsive eating is considered a sin or not, but I know that the Atonement allowed the Savior to suffer ALL things:  pain, fear, doubt, frustration, physical maladies, death, disease, weaknesses, discouragement, etc. so that He would know how he can succor us in our times of need.

I live a wonderful life.  I have the most wonderful husband.  He is a treasure to me, and I hope to never take our relationship for granted.  I told you about my friend Holly, who recently lost her sweetheart to cancer.  Since Trent's death, the realization that this life is so fragile has been etched into my heart and I truly am trying to savor each moment I have with my loved ones.  My children are so sweet.  We learn in the Bible that children are a blessing to the righteous.  They are a reward.  Sometimes, as a mommy, I forget that.  They are my reward.  That reward:  to be with my family forever, remains my goal.  I feel that my reclaiming my health is an important stepping stone because I can serve my family and neighbors so much more effectively as healthy and happy me than I can as sick, unhappy me.  I want to lose weight for Him.  And for my children.

I know my posts lately may have sounded frustrated, overwhelmed.  And truthfully, they are.  But I always have hope that someday I'll have this all figured out and I'll be able to level up.  I have decided that the safest place for me right now is in the center of God's will.  I will remain close to the Savior.  I will turn to Him.  He will be my Personal Trainer.  He will be my Nutritionist.  He will be my Counselor.  But most of all, I hope to have Him as a friend.

A family member recently asked me why I have chosen to make my personal battle with weight so public on my blog and also on Facebook, where I post my weigh-in results on a weekly basis.  I explained to him that I WANT people to see my struggle.  I believe that the more strenuous the struggle, the more glorious the victory.  I hope that they will see that I am still able to turn to the gospel of Jesus Christ for comfort.  I also want anyone else with an eating disorder to know that they are not alone.

I praise my Heavenly Father.  I am grateful for the tender mercies He bestows upon me each day.  He is good.  He is kind.  He is there for me.


Tamaran said...

I admire and appreciate your honesty and openness about your struggles with weight/food. I'm right there with you...except I'm not comfortable enough in my own skin to talk to anyone about it (other than my hubby and my amazing online friend who is family-member of a friend ;)

I appreciate your optamism. It helps inspire me. Your spiritual insights are amazing too. I remember 2 years ago refering my mom to your site for some amazing pick-me-up spiritual thoughts. You will never know how much your Food for the Spirit posts helped her. My dad left her and the church and it was nearly devistating to her. She loved your thoughts so much that she passed your blog address on to my grandma.

Anyway, sorry about the long comment. I just want you to know I am here. I care. I appreciate you. And I'm struggling right beside you (even though we've never met). Your determined nature has helped me keep on keepin' on. Thank you.

Some day I may have to make the trip to BC to meet you!

K Walton said...

Thank you SO much, Tamaran. I haven't been so great at blogging this year so my readership is way down. Sometimes I wonder if anyone is reading my blog at all anymore. Mostly, I write for me, but it certainly helps to know that you've stayed by my side! Your comments really motivate me to keep on keeping on too! LYLAS!