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Tuesday, March 26, 2013


I am feeling so blessed lately.  Life isn't any easier, still full of school and craziness, but I feel as if the Lord is carrying our family for now.  I am learning that all the adversity really does spur personal growth.  I am also feeling more and more grateful for rare moments of peace.  Last week we had a family moment.  Matthew was playing on the tablet, Macey was playing with her "airplane" (a carboard box), Katie was playing with Daddy on the floor, and Kelsey was practicing her violin, and I simply sat on the couch and watched my blessings flow.  I felt heaven in my home at that moment.  I wonder how many other times heaven is within my reach.  Do I notice it?  Am I worthy of the Spirit so I can feel it more often?

As far as my weight goes, I am still struggling with turning my addiction completely over to the Lord.  I have been listening to the song "Home" by Phillip Phillips a lot lately because it describes my heart perfectly right now.  I am in new territory, daring to believe that complete dependence on the Lord's grace can heal me as I work and wait for His assistance.  He will make this new life feel like home as he changes my very nature, though the changes that I know are coming still seem so frightening and foreign to me now.  Have you heard this song?  I think it translates nicely to just about any challenge in life.  I love its reminder that I am never really alone!

Click the link below to hear this beautiful song!


Thursday, March 21, 2013


I have been reading over my posts from the last few months and I have been struck by a few things.  At first, I felt ashamed at the negativitity that I felt from several of them, but then I realized that the struggles I have been facing have been real, difficult, and intense, so I'm going to give myself a free pass.  Though these struggles continue, at this moment, on this day, I feel to REJOICE!  I am so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ!

More specifically, I am thankful for His Infinite Atonement.  I have been asked to speak in sacrament meeting this week about the blessings that come from the Atonement, and as I have been studying, the miracle of this life as well as the promise of life eternal with my sweetheart and posterity, are promised blessings that fill my heart to overflowing.  I am so humbled as I try to even contemplate the blessings that await me.

Last night as I was falling asleep, I had a wonderful feeling of peace.  I felt, for the first time in years, that the spiritual sacrifices and efforts I have been making in my life were pleasing to the Lord.  I felt good.  As this feeling swept over me, I prayed that God would allow me to be good my whole life.  I am so imperfect, but I am realizing that being good AND imperfect are not mutually exclusive possibilities.  I am so grateful for the plan of salvation because I feel such hope even as I deal with adversity.  I feel joy and pain in shifts, but the joy always seems to shine a little brighter.

My life is so blessed and so full.  I love God.  He is for me.  He will always be for me.  And that truth, that understanding, causes my heart to sing.  I rejoice in His goodness.  I rejoice that He is kind.  I rejoice that He has offered His Son.  The tomb is empty and my heart is full.

Thursday, March 7, 2013


“Repentance means more than simply a reformation of behavior. Many men and women in the world demonstrate great will-power and self-discipline in overcoming bad habits and the weaknesses of the flesh. Yet at the same time they give no thought to the Master, sometimes even openly rejecting Him. Such changes of behavior, even if in a positive direction, do not constitute true repentance. …

“… True repentance is based on and flows from faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. There is no other way. True repentance involves a change of heart and not just a change of behavior (see Alma 5:13)” (The Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson [1988], 71).

FOOD FOR THE SPIRIT- Giving it to Him

The last few months have been SO. VERY. HARD.  Tyler is now in school full-time and his classes are brutal, draining us both of time together and much-needed energy.  And as I posted earlier, this winter has been full of sickness, especially for our Katie Bug.  I began gaining some serious weight right before the holidays and before long, my bad habits had returned with full-force.  The numbers on the scale climbed steadily upward.  The stretch marks returned.  The feelings of hope and renewed self-esteem were replaced by doubt and discouragement.  By February, I had gained back all but 20 pounds of what I had lost.  I was devastated.  I was angry with myself.  I was desperate to regain control over a seemingly impossible situation.  And all the while, life, with all its stressors, continued to swirl violently around me.

A few days ago, I did what, to many, will seem counter-intuitive:  I cancelled my membership to Weight Watchers.  I have a few reasons for this decision.

First, and foremost, I have been feeling more and more distanced from the ability to involve the Atonement in my recovery.  I need to refocus my heart and allow Him to change it.  Weight Watchers had become a game to me.  I was obsessed with playing it and had become absolutely obsessed with the numbers:  my daily points target, my splurge points, activity points, and most of all, the numbers on the scale.  And as I continued to fall short on the scale, I was increasingly unable to offer myself the self-compassion that I need.  It was becoming torture to face my "failures" week after week.  I was consumed with guilt and disappointment.  No bueno.

Then, like Alma the Younger, in my very dark, troubled moment, I remembered One Savior, even Jesus Christ.  I realized that no matter how wonderful the program, no matter how sound its principles, it will fall short of the miraculous Atonement.  I needed to do far more than change habits.  I needed a changed heart.  Without a complete transformation, without losing my disposition to do evil, I will always struggle, and quite possibly, always return to my natural-man tendencies.

I have called out for help from the Savior.  I have asked Him to teach me what I need to do to have my heart changed.  For the next few months, at least, my focus will be on immersing myself in the good news of the Atonement as found in the scriptures and in conference addresses.  I will be praying more.  I will be pleading for His help and patience.  I will focus less on food and exercise and more on quickly obeying specific promptings that are sent my way.  I know that He will lead me along.

This whole journey has been designed to bring me closer to my Savior.  I am learning, slowly, that without Him, I am powerless.  I am nothing.

I know that all things are possible for those who love God.  I love God, though my love for Him is often imperfect.  But I know that I can do this.  I know that the Atonement has already been applied to this specific situation.  I just need to lay claim on the blessings of the Atonement by living more faithfully and righteously, as a deliberate disciple.  I pray that God will grant my strength and understanding along the way.  I pray that He will grant me peace.

I know that as I work, the Atonement will work.  I am filled with hope that the Savior has been waiting for me and that He is anxious to assist me as I seek to conquer my own Goliath.  With Him, I will come off conqueror.