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Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Full Purpose of Heart

Hello, friends!  No, I have not fallen off the face of the Earth!  I am still here, plugging away and enjoying life as a busy mother of five!  Tyler graduated with his B.S. in Technology and Engineering Education from USU last month, which is AwESoMe, but the last few months have been crazy with him finishing up his degree and with me struggling with some personal life decisions.  I have been struggling to find "my place" at this season of life.  I am always wondering what I am supposed to be doing right now.  I had a little career budding in insurance, then was prompted to quit my job to come home and be a mommy, which has been a great blessing, but there are always little doubts that creep in, and I am always wondering if I did the right thing.  My quitting affected our family's financial situation greatly, so of course it's always tempting to jump back into the workplace.  I am trying to take each opportunity one at a time, and pray for direction and guidance as to if I should be solely a stay-at-home mommy, or if there is something that would be minimally intrusive to our family's needs, that would also help me to earn a little extra.  (And no, I'm not interested in direct sales opportunities ... been there, done that! ;)  Sometimes, I feel so much pressure now that I'm at home to be perfect at everything I do:  housekeeping, helping the kids with homework, meal planning, cooking, etc., because this is something I wanted so badly when I was a "career woman."  And now that I'm at home, sometimes I miss the fulfillment of having a challenging career.  I guess life is more about living in the present, and not wishing for what we don't have.  I WOULD rather be at home, but I think I forgot how hard it is to be a stay-at-home mom.  Anyway, hopefully my words make some sort of sense.  I feel like I'm rambling!

As far as my health goes, I'm really struggling there as well.  I have been back at Weight Watchers since October of last year, but I haven't seen much progress.  My heart, for whatever reason, just hasn't been in it like it used to be.  I guess part of it has been that I have had so many other things on my mind:  Tyler's schooling, kids, my career decisions, and life in general.  It's been hard to find that extra umph.  Though it's been a struggle, I am proud of myself for hanging in there while I try to find the intrinsic motivation I need.  Right now, I think I'm just not in the right head space.  I have been thinking lately about how I "got there" last time, when I was so successful and was about to lose over eighty pounds!  I truly believe that "the fire of desire" that I had before was a gift from God.  With that in mind, I have been thinking a lot about what I need to do to qualify for that aid once again.  Today, I was reading in Mosiah 6:

33 "But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye will do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage."

Reading this made me realize that I haven't really turned to the Lord with full purpose of heart regarding my health goals for quite some time.  This negligence runs parallel with my declining health and my increase in weight.  I think that when I was good at writing the blog, it really helped me stay focused and feel more of that full purpose.  I was better at seeking for answers and guidance from the scriptures.  Sometimes it's hard to put myself and my struggle out there for others to witness, but I always had the hope that by sharing my own story, I was helping others with similar issues.  So, I would like to start blogging more.  I appreciate all of my readers and I have not forgotten the support and love that you have given me through the years that I have shared on this blog!  You are incredibly awesome and I hope all is going well with each of you.

I recommit to the Lord, and to you all, that I won't give up on myself.  I know that I have a responsibility to take better care of myself, and I DO have the desire to get my health back on track.  I know that I can and WILL do great things as I put my faith in God and more fully utilize the Atonement of Jesus Christ to help me overcome weaknesses and I look forward to the time that I will again have my heart changed.  I know that He can and will deliver me out of bondage.


Heidi A said...

Thanks for posting. I can relate to so much that you say. I truly believe that this is part of the struggle to overcome the natural man. It requires fully relying on the atonement of Christ to make the changes we need. I struggle every day and find that the best days are when I truly rely on him; worry less about myself and go to work doing good things:) Glad you are posting again as it truly is an inspiration to me!!

Unknown said...

I am so happy to see a new blog post! I love your blog and have been a faithful follower for years. I just wanted to let you know that your honest and open willingness to share your struggles has helped me navigate through my own. Life can sometimes be hard, but when we pull together as brothers and sisters it blesses us all! Thank you for blessing my life!