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Tuesday, September 25, 2012


I am feeling a little better than I was when writing my last post.  Life is a whirlwind, but our schedules are working out a little better.  The biggest issue for me now is getting Katie used to her new class.  She is at the "bottom of her class" according to her teacher.  I am not sure if that is true, or if the new curriculum is just so foreign to her that she has not been able to fly her flag yet.  I was disappointed to find that her teacher is keeping her from going to music class so she can finish her assignments.  She LOVES music.  Singing is the thing she loves above everthing else and she is so talented.  I hate to picture her sitting at her desk alone, while everyone else is singing!  It just breaks my heart!  The assignments she has at night are grueling; the stuff she's learning, I never learned until just a few semesters ago when Tyler had Geology.  I bought her a little plaque to hang in her room that says, "I Can Do Hard Things" and we keep it with us at the kitchen table each time we do homework together.  I don't want to give up, because as painful and frustrating as the process is, I can see her growing.  I just want to make sure that I am involved in the process so I can be her advocate.  Her teacher has not made the best impression on me to this point.  She's a little defensive quite frankly, and it seems a little out of touch with what is realistic for these kids.  (Most of them are struggling as well).  She's also a little impatient and pretty snappy with the kids.  Each time I walk into the school, I get a yucky feeling because I know that I am walking in a world that causes my daughter stress.  But I prayed about whether to send her to this new school and I think I felt good about it.  I guess time will tell.  I have told Katie that she has a team:  Mommy, Daddy, her siblings, grandparents, Mr. Passey (the principal), and Mrs. D.  She giggled and told me that Purdy (our black lab) is also on her team.  Thank goodness for Purdy!

Weightloss.  Hmmm.  Why is this so hard for me?  I know how to lose weight!  After losing 76 pounds, I am pretty sure that I CAN lose weight!  (It absolutely kills me to think that I have gained 22 of those pounds back).  I think I've just run out of steam.  At the end of the day, I'm simply exhausted.  The crazy part is that when I was doing really well on my plan, it never was really hard.  I tracked each day and worked out each day.  It was a no-brainer situation.  But now, I'm not doing any of it.  I'm just trying to hold everything together.  I'm either working, cleaning, cooking or helping with homework.  I really haven't found a new groove.  I firmly believe that I can fit it in and that my not exercising is just based on excuses.  I know I can do better, but I also know that there is a need for self-compassion here.  I am dealing with so much right now.  As much as I want to do it all and do it all well, I need to not be so hard on myself.  I STILL have accomplished a lot.  I can do this when I'm ready.  I want to be able to do it with joy like I did at the beginning.  I want it to be exciting and fun again.  I want to do it with my family.  I used to talk long walks/runs with the kids.  I loved involving them in my journey.  We danced together, played in the yard, went swimming, whatever.  I WANTED it so badly before!  I am praying that God will again somehow bless me with the fire of desire, which really is a gift.  It's not something I can buy at the store.  It's not something I can force myself to adopt.  Desire is a gift from God.  I will be on my knees this week, praying for the desire to be healthy, to treat my body with more respect, to live more joyfully, to deal with stress in a healthier way, and to be more compassionate with myself.  I can do this.  This is a good cause.  This is worth fighting for.  I love my kids, and I want to be kind to their mommy!  Forward ho!!!


Becky said...

It's so hard when you are out of your groove! I hope you find it soon!!!

K Walton said...

Thanks so much for your support, Becky! Love ya!