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Wednesday, September 26, 2012


I felt like me again today.  This morning, I dropped the chickies off at school, then dragged Tyler out of bed and told him that he was going for a walk with me before school.  Not asked, told.  He grumbled at first, but once we got out of the house and started walking down the dirt lane near our house, he reached for my hand and we started to talk.  Really talk.  About all the stress in our lives, about the kids, about money, about how we met and about when we fell in love.  It was really great to get away for a while and just be together with no obligations.  Maybe until times get a little easier, we'll just have to fit in some more walks together since we have no time or money for date nights!  I go walking by myself all the time, but it is always funner to take him along.

In the afternoon, Tyler called me and invited me over to the high school where he was working. We walked around the track, then raced against the kids.  It turns out that our little Katie is quite the distance runner!  She ran two miles without stopping!  And Kelsey is a great sprinter.  I couldn't even beat her.  It was a wonderful, active day.

It feels so good to be back at my WW meetings.  I felt very hopeful tonight.  I know that I can at least keep trying.  Tonight we were challenged to set a specific goal to try to achieve in the eight weeks leading up to  Thanksgiving.  Then we were told to write our goal down, along with what we planned to do to make it happen, then tell someone else out loud what we planned on accomplishing.  So here is my goal and what steps I will take to make it become a reality by Thanksgiving:

  • Goal:  I will be back into the teens before Thanksgiving
  • I will track each day from now until Thanksgiving
  • I will exercise six days a week (like I used to!) from now until Thanksgiving
  • I will not eat after 9:00 pm
  • To celebrate, I will run the Turky Trot 5K on Thanksgiving morning
I can do hard things.  With God, I can do anything.  I feel empowered and very proud of myself for getting back up and giving myself permission to try again.  I feel that that was a kind thing to do for myself.  It feels nice to be compassionate and caring to myself.  I've got this.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

FOOD FOR THE SPIRIT-Rain and Real Estate

This morning I was reading in 3 Nephi Chapter 14 and a few key points struck me. The super-awesome-neato thing about the scriptures is that I'd never really thought about these particular verses before. Last time I read this chapter, it was a completely different group of verses that hit me just right. But today I was touched by verses 9-11:

9. Or what man is there of you, who, if his son ask bread, will give him a stone?

10. Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?

11. If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts until your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?

I LOVE that! To me, these verses offer a remarkable promise ... our Father loves us perfectly and WANTS to bless us. We need to ask for these blessings. I think of my own children when reading these verses. So many times, I want to help them, but I can't understand what it is they need, because they're too busy crying or whining. But as soon as I can get them calmed down, and get them to "use their words," I'm able to hear, "Mommy, I'm thirsty. I need a drink." And of course I get a drink for my sweet child. Whatever it is that we need of our Father in Heaven: understanding, desire, ability, faith ... have we asked Him, using "our words?" Or are we too busy whining about life and complaining about it, to ever really, really kneel down and begin that conversation with our literal Father in Heaven? And as much as I love my own kiddos, Heavenly Father's love is even more pure and perfect. He is the supreme example of a loving, caring parent.

I also love the story of the wise man and foolish man found at the end of this same chapter in verses 24-27. We've all heard this story: ... the wise man builds his house upon the rock (upon the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ's gospel) and the foolish man builds his house upon the sand (upon the world's or his own understandings). And we all know the rest of the story too. The wise man's house stood still and the foolish man's house washed away.

Here's the part that hit me today though: it rained on both of them. Neither of them was without trials. No one is above adversity. The wise man's choice of real estate never meant that he would not be tested. It simply meant that he would be able to withstand a catastrophic finish. The foolish man, would not be able to stand the winds and rains of adversity. As in real-life real estate, we learn that it's all about: LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION!!!

Pretty good stuff, right? What did you read today? I'd love to hear!!!


I am feeling a little better than I was when writing my last post.  Life is a whirlwind, but our schedules are working out a little better.  The biggest issue for me now is getting Katie used to her new class.  She is at the "bottom of her class" according to her teacher.  I am not sure if that is true, or if the new curriculum is just so foreign to her that she has not been able to fly her flag yet.  I was disappointed to find that her teacher is keeping her from going to music class so she can finish her assignments.  She LOVES music.  Singing is the thing she loves above everthing else and she is so talented.  I hate to picture her sitting at her desk alone, while everyone else is singing!  It just breaks my heart!  The assignments she has at night are grueling; the stuff she's learning, I never learned until just a few semesters ago when Tyler had Geology.  I bought her a little plaque to hang in her room that says, "I Can Do Hard Things" and we keep it with us at the kitchen table each time we do homework together.  I don't want to give up, because as painful and frustrating as the process is, I can see her growing.  I just want to make sure that I am involved in the process so I can be her advocate.  Her teacher has not made the best impression on me to this point.  She's a little defensive quite frankly, and it seems a little out of touch with what is realistic for these kids.  (Most of them are struggling as well).  She's also a little impatient and pretty snappy with the kids.  Each time I walk into the school, I get a yucky feeling because I know that I am walking in a world that causes my daughter stress.  But I prayed about whether to send her to this new school and I think I felt good about it.  I guess time will tell.  I have told Katie that she has a team:  Mommy, Daddy, her siblings, grandparents, Mr. Passey (the principal), and Mrs. D.  She giggled and told me that Purdy (our black lab) is also on her team.  Thank goodness for Purdy!

Weightloss.  Hmmm.  Why is this so hard for me?  I know how to lose weight!  After losing 76 pounds, I am pretty sure that I CAN lose weight!  (It absolutely kills me to think that I have gained 22 of those pounds back).  I think I've just run out of steam.  At the end of the day, I'm simply exhausted.  The crazy part is that when I was doing really well on my plan, it never was really hard.  I tracked each day and worked out each day.  It was a no-brainer situation.  But now, I'm not doing any of it.  I'm just trying to hold everything together.  I'm either working, cleaning, cooking or helping with homework.  I really haven't found a new groove.  I firmly believe that I can fit it in and that my not exercising is just based on excuses.  I know I can do better, but I also know that there is a need for self-compassion here.  I am dealing with so much right now.  As much as I want to do it all and do it all well, I need to not be so hard on myself.  I STILL have accomplished a lot.  I can do this when I'm ready.  I want to be able to do it with joy like I did at the beginning.  I want it to be exciting and fun again.  I want to do it with my family.  I used to talk long walks/runs with the kids.  I loved involving them in my journey.  We danced together, played in the yard, went swimming, whatever.  I WANTED it so badly before!  I am praying that God will again somehow bless me with the fire of desire, which really is a gift.  It's not something I can buy at the store.  It's not something I can force myself to adopt.  Desire is a gift from God.  I will be on my knees this week, praying for the desire to be healthy, to treat my body with more respect, to live more joyfully, to deal with stress in a healthier way, and to be more compassionate with myself.  I can do this.  This is a good cause.  This is worth fighting for.  I love my kids, and I want to be kind to their mommy!  Forward ho!!!

Thursday, September 20, 2012


"When He comes, I want to be caught living the gospel.  I want to be surprised, right in the act of spreading the faith and doing something good.  I want the Savior to say to me: 'Jeffrey, I know you, not because of your title, but because of your life--the way you're trying to live and the standards you're trying to live by.  I see the integrity of your heart.  I know you've tried to make things better, first and foremost, by being better yourself, and then by delcaring my word and defending my gospel to others in the most compassionate way you could.  I know you weren't always successful, but I believe you honestly tried.  I believe, in your heart, you honestly love me.'  I so want to have something like that encounter someday as I want nothing else in this mortal life.  And I want it for you.  I want it for each of us."  Jeffrey R. Holland (CES, September, 2012)

FOOD FOR THE SPIRIT--Herculean Tasks

Help!  I am so frustrated with myself!  After working so hard to build good health habits, for so long, I can feel myself slipping.  I'm not sure what's going on, but I have found it increasingly difficult to keep my focus on tracking and exercising.  I'm sure the root of the problem is the tremendous amount of stress that our family is under:  schedules, school, finances, church callings, grief, etc.  I mentioned in this list, grief.  In the last eight weeks, Tyler and I have lost eight good friends.  Included in this list are our next-door neighbor, one of my good friends from my childhood (died from Lupus), a former co-worker with three young children (A L Leukemia), a sweet older neighbor from my childhood, and as I mentioned a few posts ago, our good friend who died of cancer a few weeks ago.  This cumulative grief, especially the heartache I am feeling for the younger families, has been very stressful and difficult for me to deal with.  My Katie Bug is not adjusting well to her new school, a charter school with a more difficult curriculum than she is accustomed to, so I have also been spending a lot of time helping her and caring for her emotional needs as she deals with the changes that come with switching schools.  She has been extremely moody, clingy, and sensitive.  Luckily, Matthew is really doing well with the transition.  Macey is now in preschool, which she is loving.  The new need for babysitting twice a week, due to mine and Tyler's crazy schedules, has been hard on all of the kids, but especially Macey, who has reverted in her potty-training.  So we have to add potty-training to the mix...again!  And Tyler's workload with school and his job has been INSANE!  I hope I can just keep things as normal as possible for our little family, but it's been hard because there is just so little consistency for our poor children.  Each day is different, with a different routine.  I am grateful for my awesome family.  Without them, these challenges would be so much more intense.  Tyler's Mom has been watching the kids on Tuesdays, and my parents take them on Thursdays.  My Mom has also been watching them on Wednesday nights so I can attend my WW meetings.

I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer, but all the stress is getting to me.  And I have turned to food.  It's always worked for me before when times got hard, and I'm afraid that I still haven't learned completely that doing this to myself is self-destructive behavior.  Actually, I know it is self-destructive, I just can't stop doing it.  I really need to work through this.  I need to turn again to the Lord in prayer, fasting, and study His word.  I really believe that my addiction to food is bigger than I am right now.  I need His help.  I know that I am entitled to it as long as I am doing my part.

Another issue that I constantly struggle with is the state of our home.  I am not naturally an organized person.  Keeping our home clean and clutter-free, for whatever reason, is a Herculean task for me.  I know that this is something difficult for many moms, but I think that my home is worse than most.  On the spectrum from Martha Stewart being a one and an episode of Hoarders being a ten, our home is usually at about a six.  I know that I need to work on this.  I know it will help my family to feel more relaxed and peaceful in the midst of all the turbulence we are sailing through these days.  The way I see it, I have to improve in several areas right now, and all of them at once.  They are all urgent!  I need to improve my health, my financial situation, my home maintenence skills and organization, and as always, work on my relationships with my family.

I think that all the stress is the main reason that I have turned to overeating, but I also miss my husband.  I really only see him a few hours during the week.  He is at school all day, then hurries off to work.  On his days off, he is taken away for Young Men's activities.  When neither of us has obligations, we spend the time frantically studying, writing papers, and preparing presentations for school.  It has been ages since we have gone to the temple together or just to a movie or something.  Still, our relationship is still very strong.  We try to cherish each possible moment together.  When we're not together, we text or talk on the phone as often as we can.

This is turning out to be world's longest blog post ever, so I'll try to wrap it up on a positive note.  The Brigham City temple is going to be dedicated this Sunday, so we have decided to use that opportunity to rededicate our home as well.  I am cleaning and purging all the junk I possibly can to prepare.  It has been exhausting to do, but our home is looking better than it has for a long, long time.  I am hoping that rededicating the home will remind us all that it should be a sacred place, away from the world; a haven.  I pray that we will be able to work together to keep it nice and neat (er) so the Spirit can always dwell there.  I am NOT giving up on getting healthier.  I know that I can do this and that I am NOT expected to do it on my own.  My Savior understands pain, addiction, stress, loneliness, and all the other factors that are holding me back.  I know that His love and guidance are the key to getting back on track and I am counting on my faith to bring me back into focus with my weightloss goals.  Dear Readers, will you please pray for me as I try to do better?  Thank you for letting me vent today.  I love you all!