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Thursday, May 6, 2010

FOOD FOR THE SPIRIT--Contemplating the Atonement

Another hard week. I had a heart to heart with Ty (my hubby) last night. He is so wise. I asked him to name just one thing for me to work on this week. Just one thing that I can focus on. One thing, so I don't get so overwhelmed. (As I deal with my addiction to food, he is a great resource because of the nature of his work). He said that I really need to acknowledge that I am finally recognizing that my addiction is bigger than I am. I am coming to the realization that without the Savior, I am nothing. And he mentioned that while this can be a humbling thought, coming to that point in recovery can be a very liberating moment for many. In that moment, they realize that the Atonement is the very hope for which they have been searching so desperately.

It's still funny to see the word addiction pop up in my writing. I have not ever thought of my weight as being a result of an addiction until lately. Only recently have I noticed the unhealthy nature of my eating patterns, which coincide with addictive behaviors such as substance abuse. I am using food as my "medication." I notice that I go straight to the cupboard or fridge whenever there is stress, conflict, or boredom in my home. My worst binges are at night while I wait up for Tyler to get home from his swing shift at 11:00, because I'm lonely. I can be very defensive when confronted about my problem. I often wait to eat when no one else is around. I am looking for instant satisfaction instead of the more substantial rewards of delayed gratification. In moments of frustration and stress, when I eat for the wrong reasons, I literally get a "high"--a moment of calm and release. All of these behaviors indicate that I am indeed dependant on these habits. From a gospel standpoint, an unhealthy dependence is bad because a portion of one's free agency is forfeited. With this new understanding, I am feeling more of a need for the Atonement and the help that comes from my Savior.

So back to my hubby's advice. He suggested that this week, I simply ponder on my testimony of the Atonement. Do I believe in the personal nature of the Atonement? More specifically, do I have a testimony that Christ suffered on MY behalf? Do I KNOW that He can and WILL take away my pain and heal my wounds as I come unto Him? Do I understand the fundamentals of the Atonement? Do I know how it works? Can I think of times in my life, when Christ has come to my aid? Can I allow my reflections of those instances help to build my faith that He will again guide me from bondage?

I would invite anyone reading this blog to join me as I contemplate the Atonement this week. I would also love any feedback you may have or inspiration you receive as you do so. Thanks for letting me sound off on my personal weaknesses. It is a humbling and cleansing experience. Love to you all!!!


jnkeller said...

You are so brave! I love how driven you are to make this happen for you. I know you'll make your goals happen. I think I'll join you in this noble cause. Everyone can use a little more contemplation about Christ's atonement. I have a lot to be thankful for and especially for the Atonement. Thanks for such a great personal progress idea!