Boy, am I weepy today. I know it's been a while since I've written, and honestly I'm doing ok. It's just that I'm still adjusting to our "new life." It's been almost three years since Tyler lost his job and I have been grieving this week, remembering how life used to be. It really is silly, since there are so many others who are worse off than we are. We have jobs, but they do not pay well, and with three jobs and full time school between the two of us, sometimes the schedules really get me down. It is so hard to be dependent on others for help with childcare as often as we are. Each time I go to work, my heart physically aches to be home with my babies. Sometimes, I just want to bag the whole working mom thing, come home, decorate my house, cook and clean all day, and live the life I feel I was MEANT to have. The life I used to have. Don't get me wrong, I love my jobs. I really have been so very blessed to find the jobs I have and they bless me in many ways. It is honestly nice to have some peace and quiet at work and on my commute, and most days, being a working mom is fine and dandy. But there are days when I realize that I'm drowning in dirty laundry, we haven't had a home cooked meal for days, and that my kids are growing up way too quickly! And Fall semester is coming. Oh, how I dread Fall Semester!!! Tyler is now forced to take his classes in Logan, which will require a ridiculous amount of driving, and a TON of gas money. He will be in class from 7:30-12:30 every weekday, then will have to go to work at 3:00 most days of the week. Add my full work day on Tuesdays and Thursdays and my on-call job for the counseling office, the kids' school schedules, singing lessons, and sports, and I fear we have quite a mess. I am seriously stressed about how this is all going to work. In addition to that, Tyler is now into upper division classes, some of which are off the charts in their level of difficulty. My biggest fear is that my family, who is SO very kind and supportive and so willing to help us out, will become burned out. My Macey will be in preschool and will require drop off and pick up on the days that I work, the girls will still be at Lakeview, and Matthew will be attending the new Charter school in Perry. It scares me that he will be there all alone and that he won't have his sisters to look out for him. I feel that the charter school is a good opportunity for him, but I still wish the girls had won the lottery too. It feels so mean that I am splitting them up! I know that the Lord has carried us this far, and He has always helped us so that schedules were able to be worked out, and that family was able to step in when needed, but I still manage to worry about it profusely. Maybe it's simply a lack of faith.
On the weight loss front, it's been a little bit of a discouraging month. In June, I had a family vacation and I ended up taking a few weeks off from tracking and I kind of ate whatever I wanted for a little while. Sigh. Because I knew I had gained, I talked myself out of going to one weigh in, then couldn't go the next week because it was the 4th of July. So when I finally went back, I was so disappointed to find that I had gained a whopping 11 pounds. In one month. The temptation has been to get frustrated with myself, to beat myself up, but I'm really trying to stay positive. I'm back on track, and have recommitted myself to living the program faithfully. I am trying to focus on enjoying it. I want it to be fun again! I did lose one pound last night, but my total WW loss is back down in the 50's. I was at 66 last month, so that truthfully has been disappointing. I tried to go back to the "old me" way of living and I got a lesson. A hard one. But, I am feeling more optimistic and I am definitely ready to give this thingy another try.
I can do this. I can do hard things. I know I can. But, sometimes, I can't do it by myself. I know that with the Savior's help and the love and guidance of my Heavenly Father, we can get through these difficulties. I really do have much to be grateful for. We have a temple in Brigham City! I can see it from my front room window and I can walk there from my house in less than ten minutes. I am so thrilled to have the opportunity to be involved in hosting at the Open House. I am also so excited to walk through the temple with my little ones. We will always treasure that opportunity. I have my health. I have a wonderful family. My husband and I are so in love, you'd think we were newlyweds. (Wink, wink) Life has its ups and downs, but our downs are so much better than so many heartaches that others are called to endure. I cannot and will not complain because I know that all the adversity I pass through will be for my own good and that I will only be left alone if I turn and walk away from the Savior. And I will not do that. I love Him far too much to let earthly matters disable me spiritually. It will all work out.
"Surely the thing God enjoys most about being God is the thrill of being merciful, especially to those who don’t expect it and often feel they don’t deserve it." --Jeffery R. Holland
Wow! My life is crazy! I must apologize for my recent absence from blogland, but I assure you...I've not been lying around eating bon bons all day! Tyler is knee deep in school and writing papers for his ESL classes has become our hobby. He is still working full-time at Triumph Youth Services on the graveyard shift. I am also still working as a producer for Allstate insurance and as a fill-in receptionist for a local counseling office. As if this schedule wasn't crazy enough, let's just add four kids and a big dog to the mix! Somehow, though, we are making it! Life is crazy, but usually, it's crazy good. I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's. Period.
On the weight-loss front, I have seen my results really slow down, but I'm still maintaining my newfound healthy lifestyle and I'm down nearly 65 pounds since joining Weight Watchers and nearly 75 since beginning to lose weight last year. I am so happy with my results. I feel more confident, poised, grateful, humble, energetic, hopeful, etc. than I have for a long, long time.
As people are starting to notice that "holy cow...you've lost a lot of weight!", I am often asked what I'm doing to shed the pounds. As I mentioned, I am a member of Weight Watchers, but I can translate some of what I'm learning there and elsewhere into some more generic, unbranded advice:
1. Write down everything you eat.
This is paramount. If you don't know what you're eating and how much of it, you can't possibly hope to see results on the scale. Research has proven in many studies that those who keep food journals are much more likely to lose weight.
2. Move more.
I work out six days a week. I have found that if I stick with six days a week, it's very hard to talk myself out of working out. Before, when I was only working out four or five days a week, it was too easy to say to myself, "I don't feel like it. I'll exercise tomorrow." With the six-days-a-week plan, the excuse-making is virtually gone. If it's not Sunday, I work out. Period. What do I do? Anything and everything. It's really important to me that I don't get bored with my workouts. Here are some of the many, many activities I enojoy: walking, jogging, sprinting, elliptical machine, DVD workouts, yoga, Zumba, pilates, kickboxing, circuit training, aerobics, tennis, basketball, soccer, bike-riding, dancing, cleaning (yes, cleaning counts!), hiking, snowshoeing, etc. As you can see, the possibilities are endless. Truthfully, getting my work out every day is sometimes really hard. On the days when I just do NOT want to exercise, I set my kitchen time for 10 minutes and just go up and down the stairs until it goes off. It's a great workout, and in ten minutes, I'm done, I've stayed in the habit, and I can live with myself.
3. Be compassionate with yourself.
Losing weight is hard. It is time-consuming. It is tricky. It is an art. It is a skill. It will take time for you (and me!) to change bad habits. That's ok. Find something each day that you did right. Don't focus on your failures. The only real failure is to give up on yourself or to lose hope that God can and will help you become healthier. He loves you. You should also love yourself and be patient with yourself. And when you stumble, just try again. And again. And again. Give yourself permission now to make mistakes along the way. You will. And it's ok. It's all part of the transformation...the reinvention of you!
4. Explore the psychology behind your unhealthy habits.
There's a reason for your overeating, bingeing, skipping meals, emotional eating, or unhealthy eating. It's important to look at whether or not you're "medicating" yourself with food. Are you hurting? Are you struggling with depression? Loneliness? Stress? Boredom? Are you feeling unloved? I have recently started recording my binges. I record the time of day, what I ate (and how much), what I was feeling at the time, who I was with, what was said, what was felt, etc. This has helped me to recognize when my eating was emotional, and recognize certain situations, feelings, and relationships that are triggers for me. Now, going into these situations, I can feel a little more prepared.
5. Don't eat less, eat smart!
Losing weight should never be about eating less. It's about quality, not quantity. On the days when I am living my eating plan perfectly, I eat a TON of food. What do I eat? Whole grains, fruits, vegetables, lean protein, low-fat dairy, and treats! I make it a point to have a sugary, ooey gooey chocolaty goodie here and there. If I start feeling deprived, I'll stop trying, so it's important for me to have a little fun here and there. The thing I love about WW, is that I can really eat whatever I want, as long as I write everything down and stay within my points. This flexibility has been awesome on the days when being a saint simply isn't in my cards.
6. Pray for help.
What would I do without prayer? Prayer has gotten me here and will carry me to the finish line. I try to pray specifically. I ask God to maximize my desire and my results. I ask Him to magnify my ability. I ask Him for guidance as to what aspect of my lifestyle to focus on next. The Savior is my Personal Trainer. For anyone who has tried to lose weight before unsuccessfully, I would recommend allowing Heavenly Father and His Son to share your journey with you next time. Their love makes all the difference.
7. Give thanks. Always. No matter what happens.
Sometimes I don't get what I pray for. Sometimes I pray for a loss on the scale and I get a lesson instead. I have learned that it's ok, either way. I have learned to thank God for whatever He gives me. I know that all I have, all I am, and all that I have the potential to become are gifts from Him.
Hopefully this little list will help someone. As you begin or continue on your own journey, I know your list will probably be a little different, but these are just some of the many, many lessons that I am learning. The key is to find joy in the journey. Always choose joy.
"Let us choose to be humble. We can do it. I know we can."
--President Ezra Taft Benson
I have been thinking about pride this week. I revisted a favorite talk of mine, a classic, "Beware of Pride" by Ezra Taft Benson, which reminds us that pride is the universal sin. All of us have the ability to be humble, but as a part of the natural man, pride and enmity are real temptations for each of us. I know that I need to be more humble, not in a "I-know-I'm-better-than-you-or-you way", but in being more teachable, more senstive to the promptings of the Holy Spirit, in not being quick to judge others or to be easily offended. Also, as a faithful, active member of the church, sometimes I feel the adversary trying to flatter me: "Oh, Kristen, that was such an amazing lesson that you taught. You are such a fantastic member of the church! You are an awesome visiting teacher. You must be pretty important to have THAT calling. I'm sure others are just so impressed with how well your talk went. You are so great..." I am struggling lately with these part-truths, because I HAVE seen so much spritual growth and improvement in the last few years, that I partly feel entitled to revel in the natural-man feelings of self-satisfaction. And I'm not going to lie...hearing from a ward member that I did a good job on a lesson does feel good. It might sound shallow, but I really need to remind myself, and often, that all the things I am able to do are because of a loving Heavenly Father. Without him I am nothing. Today I read Ammon's own testimony of this same principle:
11 But Ammon said unto him: I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God.
12 Yea, I know that I am nothing as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever.
As the weight continues to come off (albeit more slowly now), I am constantly receiving compliments. I am a compliment-loving girl, a people-pleaser, a sponge! I love the quote by Mark Twain, "I can live for two months on a compliment."
I can totally relate. I'm sure it's human nature to love hearing good things about yourself, but for me, it's as essential as air, food, and water. My love language is irrefutably Words of Affirmation. Perhaps this is rooted in a low self-esteem I have had for much of my life, and a need for validation. Perhaps it's just a woman thing.
Anyway, the tendancy is to hold on to those compliments without always remembering to redirect them UPWARD in the forms of praising and expressing gratitude. I feel that this should be a focus of mine and I'm going to consciously work on remembering to do this as I receive compliments of any nature.
With that being said, I'd like to publicly give my God all of the credit for any successes I've had, as well as for my future successes. I make the choices that lead to these choices, but even my agency is a gift from him. Without Him, I wouldn't even have a body from which to lose weight! He has granted me every ounce of energy, function, and most importantly DESIRE that I have needed to lose more than 70 pounds! And for this, I must praise Him! Thank you, thank you, Dear Father! I am so grateful for the hope that has been granted to me. I am thankful for the gift of prayer that carries me through the hard days: when I don't want to exercise, when Rebellious Kristen comes out to play, or when I begin to lose patience. I am thankful for a Father who has lovingly revealed to me the importance of self-compassion. I am thankful for a church that teaches the value and worth of a woman of God. Thank you, Lord for all that I am, and all that I have the potential to become!
ROASTED CABBAGE WEDGES
from (kalynskitchen.com)
Serves: 3
Points+: 1
1 medium-sized head of green cabbage
2 T olive oil
2-3 T fresh squeezed lemon juice (I used 2 T for the cabbage in these photos, but next time I'd use even more lemon)
generous amount of sea salt and fresh ground black pepper
lemon slices, for serving cabbage (optional)
Today I reread one of my FAVORITE conference talks of all time: "The Privilege of Prayer" by J. Devn Cornish. You can read it by following this link: http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/the-privilege-of-prayer?lang=eng&media=video
I love, love, love Elder Cornish's story of finding the quarter on the side of the road after he prayed a very specific prayer that he would find the money and be able to buy himself a drumstick at the chicken place on his way from work. (He was very tired and hungry and wanted to be able to have the energy to be a good father when he got home). I love this story so much, because it reiterates a personal testimony that I have gained over the years that not only are prayers answered, but that SPECIFIC prayers are answered SPECIFICALLY.
I have a few examples from my own life. A few months ago, I was pondering what on earth to do for the kids for Christmas gifts. Each of them had given me their simple lists of three things they would like from Santa. The task then came to make it happen on a teeny, tiny, under-employed, daddy's-a-full-time-college-student, mommy-only-works-twice-a-week budget. Oh boy. One of the things my son, Matthew wanted the very most, was a stuffed Rottweiler puppy. I know, it's kind of random, but he has a little collection of Rottweiler puppies in all different sizes. He was very specific that it just HAD to look like his other doggies. It HAD to be a Rottweiler. A few days later, I thought of Elder Cornish's prayer, and prayed that I would be led to an affordable little Rottweiler for my little guy. Several minutes later, I had a prompting to go to Deseret Industries (our local thrift store), NOW. So I did. I went to the toy department, looked around and didn't see any appropriate doggies, then turned to leave the store. A small voice came again: "Look again." I turned back to the shelf and there right on top, was a sweet little Rottweiler puppy, new with the tags! WHAT?! I couldn't believe it!
Another example is kind of an ongoing thing...my weigh-ins. Each week, before my Weight Watchers weigh-in, I have a little meeting with my Heavenly Father. I sort of tell him how I think I did, and express the desire of my heart (usually a number of pounds I would like to lose that week), given my effort during the week. I pray that he will maximize my results and magnify the efforts that I have made. I try to remain as candid and honest in these prayers as possible, and to never ask amiss for a blessing of weight loss. For example, on a good week, I will pray for a loss of two pounds, expressing that I feel my effort was sufficient to qualify for this amount, and that that would truly be the desire of my heart. I always leave it in the Lord's hands though, and include the phrase "according to THY will." I really think that is KEY! Almost without exception, I am granted the numbers I desire. In fact, it's been pretty cool to record these. When I ask for a certain number, there has been a trend which I've noticed that is pretty amazing to me: when I ask for a two pound loss, I lose 2.2, when I request a 1 pound loss, it's 1.2, etc. This phenomenon has happened over and over and over since I have started expressing my SPECIFIC desires.
It might sound funny, but I always feel that the ".2" is sacred. The ".2", to me, is an evidence of love. It's that extra few ounces lost that exhibits his mercy and compassion towards a woman who has given it her best effort. It's like the bow on top of the gift. The final little loving touch.
My weight loss journey continues. I am not close to my goal weight. I still have at least fifty to sixty more pounds to lose. But, I know that I am being helped along by my Savior, who understands all of my difficulties and struggles, and by a loving and compassionate Father who stands ready and so willing to bless me with the SPECIFIC desires of my heart. I know I'll get there for all things are possible with God.
"One of the secrets to a joyful life is to recognize that doing things the Lord’s way will make me happier than doing things my way." --J. Devn Cornish
BLACK BEAN BROWNIES
Serves: 9
Points+: 6
1 (15-oz) can black beans, drained and rinsed very well
3 large eggs
3 tablespoons canola oil
3/4 cup sugar
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
Pinch of salt
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips, divided
Preheat oven to 350˚F. Grease an 8-x 8-inch baking pan; set aside.
Process the black beans in the bowl of a food processor until smooth. Add the rest of the ingredients, minus the chocolate chips and process again until smooth. Mix in 1/2 cup of the chocolate chips and pulse a few times just until the chips are incorporated.
Pour the batter into the prepared pan and smooth with a rubber spatula or wooden spoon. Sprinkle with the remaining 1/2 cup chocolate chips.
Bake for 30 to 35 minutes, or until the edges start to pull away from the sides and it passes the toothpick test. Cool completely in the pan, then slice into squares.
“I can’t stress too strongly that decisions determine destiny. You can’t make eternal decisions without eternal consequences.” --Thomas S. Monson
Today I was thinking back...way, way back to an experience I had in college. It's funny that I had never seen the spiritual parallel in this experience until today while I was reading an address by Randall K. Bennett of the Seventy, entitled "Choosing Eternal Life." (You can read this AWESOME talk here: http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/choose-eternal-life?lang=eng&media=video)
Anyway, I was contemplating how my everyday choices, like it or not, lead me towards either eternal life or eternal damnation. As I was thinking about whether or not it was really fair for God to NOT grant someone like me, who has done many righteous things in my life, eternal life and all its blessings, because I am still somewhat imperfect, with just a few sins here and there, I recalled an experience from my Freshman year of college.
I attended Weber State University on a leadership scholarship. Along with the academic requirements for this scholarship, I was required to attend leadership meetings with fellow scholarship recipients. We got together on a regular basis for planning meetings, leadership training, and to socialize with one another. Now, as a side note, for whatever reason, my freshman year of college was a very awkward and uncomfortable time for me. In high school, I had been popular, outgoing, enthusiastic, and bubbly. In college, I had no friends, I had just sent my boyfriend on a mission, and I was experiencing the uncomfortable "new kid on the block" feeling. As I attended my leadership meetings and training sessions, this feeling of discomfort and even shyness became more pronounced. These other students were all past student body officers, head cheerleaders, and all of them were beautiful, well-dressed, outgoing, confident people! I felt that I didn't belong in this group at ALL and I allowed these feelings of misplacement and inadequacy perpetuate. With each gathering, I found myself withdrawing more and more from the group, pulling further away from my responsibilities, and eventually, I stopped going to the meetings all together. At this point, the discomfort was too much; I simply couldn't face another uncomfortable, lonely minute at the meetings. It wasn't that the students were unkind to me; I simply felt that I had nothing in common with them. I didn't belong. After several weeks of skipping meetings and training sessions, I received a call from my leadership council advisor, Nancy. She wanted to meet with me. As I walked to her office, I thought about the conversation that we would have there: she would remind me of the importance of the meetings and ask me to start coming back to them. I would then muster up the courage to agree with her, start attending the meetings once more, then move forward with my responsibilities. Nancy, however, surprised me by quickly taking away my scholarship. She explained to me that with the school year already more than a quarter of the year complete, I would not have time to make up the missed meetings. She continued by telling me that it simply wasn't fair for me to enjoy the benefits of my scholarship since I had not been doing the same amount of work that my fellow students had been doing. I probably could have argued my case and begged for another chance, for more time, or for some compassion from the administration. I could have explained to Nancy why I felt uncomfortable in the meetings, but deep down, I knew that she was right. I chose to accept her decision and I left the office that day, stripped of my much-needed scholarship. To say the least, it was an extremely humbling experience.
I find that there is a parallel here between my desire for an inheritance in the celestial kingdom and my desire for a prestigious scholarship at a university. On my way to exaltation, I will encounter discomfort, and at times, I'm sure I will make mistakes in judgement, or feel that I simply don't belong or that I'm not good enough. But with each decision I make, I am choosing whether or not I will wind up in good standing with the administration (Heavenly Father), or whether I will forfeit my scholarship (inheritance) by shirking my responsibilities and divine duties here on earth. Nancy wasn't a mean, cold-hearted person. She was kind, approachable, and fair. I really could have gone to her at any time and expressed my concerns. I am confident that she would've worked with me, talked me through my difficulties, and helped me to succeed in any way that she could have. But I never approached her. I never explained the struggles I was having. Likewise, our Heavenly Father LONGS to be involved in our lives, to help alleviate our pain, guide us during our hard times, but he cannot do it until we ask for help. It's still such a shame to me that I lost this scholarship. It was such a needless thing to have happened, and a mistake that ultimately ended up costing me thousands of dollars. But how much greater would be my regret if I forfeited my eternal salvation by turning away from my responsibilities, neglecting to ask for help along the way, and by allowing the discomfort of repentance and growth to halt my progress? I hope that I can have the spiritual maturity and wisdom to ASK for help, to COMMUNICATE with my Advisor, the Savior, and that I will be able to find great joy in spending eternity with my Father in Heaven and my family. I pray that I will be able to seek valiance over convenience, humility over pride, and hope over discouragement.
Well, I guess there comes a point in each person's life when it's time to LIVE! I started this blog with the hope of using my faith to fuel my desire to lose some serious weight. As you may have noticed, I am now horrible at keeping up with the blog. I just wanted to let you know that it's NOT because I've given up on my dreams for a healthier body...quite the opposite! I am now down 73 pounds from my January 1, 2011 weight. That's three pants sizes, folks! I am SOOOO grateful for my faith, and I feel my testimony of the goodness of God grow each day. HE is the reason for my success. HE is my personal trainer. HE has taught me how to care for myself spiritually and physically. And I will return thanks to Him by testifying of Him in all I do. I'm not there yet. . . I still have a long, long way to go, but I know that all things are possible for those who love the Lord. And I love the Lord. It's been hard to keep up my blog because I am now spending more time planning meals, counting points (Weight Watchers), working out, and studying the scriptures and conference talks. I miss all my blog readers, but I feel like a little bird who has just learned to fly! I will update you periodically, and I want to thank you for your prayers and support over the years. You are awesome and I love you!!
"Brothers and sisters, the most powerful Being in the universe is the Father of your spirit. He knows you. He loves you with a perfect love.
God sees you not only as a mortal being on a small planet who lives for a brief season—He sees you as His child. He sees you as the being you are capable and designed to become. He wants you to know that you matter to Him." --Dieter F. Uchdorf
Gems from Dieter F. Uchdorf's fabulous talk, "Forget Me Not"
(view this talk in its entirety at http://lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/forget-me-not?lang=eng)
"Sisters, wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love."
"Just think of it: You are known and remembered by the most majestic, powerful, and glorious Being in the universe! You are loved by the King of infinite space and everlasting time! He who created and knows the stars knows you and your name—you are the daughters of His kingdom."
"My dear sisters, you are closer to heaven than you suppose. You are destined for more than you can possibly imagine. "
"Let us not walk the path of discipleship with our eyes on the ground, thinking only of the tasks and obligations before us. Let us not walk unaware of the beauty of the glorious earthly and spiritual landscapes that surround us."
"My dear sisters, the gospel of Jesus Christ is not an obligation; it is a pathway, marked by our loving Father in Heaven, leading to happiness and peace in this life and glory and inexpressible fulfillment in the life to come. The gospel is a light that penetrates mortality and illuminates the way before us."
"The happiest people I know are not those who find their golden ticket; they are those who, while in pursuit of worthy goals, discover and treasure the beauty and sweetness of the everyday moments. They are the ones who, thread by daily thread, weave a tapestry of gratitude and wonder throughout their lives. These are they who are truly happy."
"Never stop striving for the best that is within you. Never stop hoping for all of the righteous desires of your heart. But don’t close your eyes and hearts to the simple and elegant beauties of each day’s ordinary moments that make up a rich, well-lived life."
"Our journey toward perfection is long, but we can find wonder and delight in even the tiniest steps in that journey."
"Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. It’s wonderful that you have strengths. And it is part of your mortal experience that you do have weaknesses."
Wow! I cannot believe that my last post was in July! I am so sorry to leave you all hanging! It amazes me how much has happened in that short window of time.
I have left Farmers Insurance altogether, since they were not able to pay me what I deserved. I am now working in Roy as the Office Manager of an Allstate office. I dearly love my new job. The agent I work for is very kind and has allowed me to choose my own hours. This office seems a lot more relaxed, so it is much easier for me to not bring work home with me. I am also stilling filling in at Blomquist Hale Consulting from time to time. Tyler is still working at Triumph, though he is now working the graveyard shift, which frees up his days for school and allows me to work as well. He has been accepted into the Math Education program and is still doing very well in all his classes.
On the weight loss front, I am thrilled to announce that I have now lost 50 pounds!!! I am so very grateful for the support of my family and friends, and most of all, to my Heavenly Father and to the Savior. I could never have done this on my own. . . believe me, I've tried! I am so happy to be back at Weight Watchers. It is such a wonderful program and it really does fit my crazy life perfectly. I am so sorry for not posting more, but I am grateful that after more than a year and a half of posting about my aspirations to lose weight and gain health, I am now LIVING it! With all my meal planning, tracking, cooking, exercising, and going to WW meetings, it has become necessary for my to limit the time I spend online. That being said, I will try to post periodically, just to let you know how things are going. Thanks again, readers, for always believing in me! I love you!
"I feel that the Savior will give that punishment which is the very least that our transgression will justify. I believe that he will bring into his justice all of the infinite love and blessing and mercy and kindness and understanding that he has . . .
And on the other hand, I believe that when it comes to making the rewards for our good conduct, he will give us the maximum that it is possible to give, having in mind the offense which we have committed" (J. Ruben Clark, as quoted by James E. Faust, "The Atonement: Our Greatest Hope," Ensign, Jan. 2002).
My husband and I were talking about the spiritual significance of a hiking experience we had about six years ago in Arches National Park. We were on a weekend getaway and wanted to hike to the Delicate Arch overlook. We had heard that the hike to the overlook was relatively easy, so off we went. We had been advised by others who had been on the hike before, to make sure to look for the stacked cairns along the way. For this hike, in particular, cairns were especially important, since the slickrock trail was so undefined. A few miles into the hike, we stopped seeing the cairns, but didn't worry too much, since we had a good view of the arch itself. We figured we must still be going the right way. As we got within a half mile or so of the arch, we saw a small path on the side of a red wall of stone. We figured that this was our path, so we commenced to follow the wall towards the arch. Somehow we did not notice that the further along the path we walked, the narrower the path became. Several yards in, we noticed that we were walking a pathway not any wider than the shoes we were wearing!
We suddenly felt very foolish and very much in danger. How on earth did we not realize the danger that we had been in? I looked down and saw a steep, slickrock drop of well over 100 feet. Paralyzed with fear at my predicament, I simply couldn't find the courage to move. My brave husband quickly scampered away from the wall, then turned and found me plastered to the wall, holding on with all my might. He came back out onto the narrow path, took my hand, and we gingerly moved back to safety.
To this day, I still get physically ill to think of how close we came to disaster. Once we had reached the wider part of the path, we started searching for the correct route. To our surprise, it was only a few feet away from us, on the other side of the wall which we had been clinging to so desperately. The path there was well guarded with ropes. We quickly made our way to the overlook. When we had seated ourselves, we sat for a long time, in awe of the beautiful view, thankful for the protection we had been given.
The thing about this experience that still befuddles me, is that we never knew what danger we were in, until we were already in such a vulnerable, precarious position. How could we have not known that the path would narrow so? How could we not see, that this dangerous, narrow path could not possibly be safe? We never knew what danger we were placing ourselves in, until it was almost too late! We were never trying to be reckless, but our carelessness just about led to serious injury, or even death.
How often do we "wake up" to the reality of our spiritual situations, also perplexed about how we got ourselves into such situations? I don't think that we always find ourselves knee-deep in sin, because we were being reckless, but like our hike, if we don't constantly look for the cairns of gospel truth and guidance, it can be easy to lose our ways.
Anyway, I am grateful for the "cairns" in my life: the holy scriptures, a living prophet, good church leaders, and the gift of personal revelation through the Holy Ghost. I hope that whenever I do find myself in trouble, I can be kept from danger, through the Atonement, and take the Savior's hand as He offers to lead me back to safety. I hope I can follow Him, for I know that He is the only way to get to my ultimate destination: eternal life.
Yesterday was wonderfully weird. I had the opportunity to visit a ward in my stake for their ward conference. Since I had no children with me, I was able to focus deeply on the messages taught in class and in sacrament meeting. The spirit was strong, even overwhelming. I was holding back tears the entire block. These tears, not atypical for me at all, were hard to understand. They weren't necessarily tears of gratitude OR tears of despair. I'm not sure why I was so moved. Was I exhausted? Was I feeling hopeful? Was I confused? Anyway, sometimes it is good to feel touched, even if I can't explain the emotion behind it. Sometimes it is good to not be able to express myself in words; then, I find myself in the position to listen.
I came home from church with a headache. My family was still at church so the house was quiet. It was the perfect opportunity for me to take a nap. Instead, I laid in bed, my thoughts racing. I said an inward prayer that the Lord would halt my thoughts and allow me to simply "be still and know that He is God." I didn't sleep, but rested physically and emotionally for some time.
After I got up, I felt renewed, rejuvenated, and ready to face another day. I was blessed with clarity and a new resolve to choose faith. I was thinking that that is one of the wonderful things about faith and hope; they are regenerative in nature. You can be just about spent ... at your wit's end one day, then wake up full of faith and hope the next. I am thankful that my faith is a renewable resource!
Today I was reading about hope in an address by Russell M. Nelson . Here are some of the fabulous one-liners from the article:
"Passing tests of obedience requires faith and hope---constantly."
"A correlation exists between hope and gratitude."
"Counting blessings is better than recounting problems."
"Hope emanates from the Lord, and it transcends the bounds of this mortal sphere."
"A more excellent hope is mightier than a wistful wish."
"Hope, fortified by faith and charity, forges a force stronger than steel. Hope becomes an anchor to the soul. To this anchor, the faithful can cling, securely tethered to the Lord. Satan, on the other hand, would have us cast away that anchor and drift with the ebb tide of despair. If we cling to the anchor of hope, it will be our safeguard forever."
"Insufficient hope often means insufficient repentance."
"Happiness comes when scriptures are used in shaping our lives."
"If our hopes were narrowly confined only to moments in mortality, we should surely be disappointed. Our ultimate hope must be anchored to the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ."
"God sent us here to be happy and successful. Meanwhile, he also needs us."
I hope that I can, as President Howard W. Hunter exhorts, "hope a little more and despair a little less." And until I become 100% happy and 100% successful, I hope I can be available to serve the Lord. I hope I can posses faith, hope, and charity CONSTANTLY and choose faith over fear at all times.
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