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Thursday, May 16, 2013


I have to start this very long post with a picture:


I have been needing to record the story leading up to this exciting announcement.  Right now the series of remarkable spiritual experiences are just floating around in my memory.  Hopefully I will be able to remember everything and get it down on paper.

When Macey, my youngest, was born, the delivery was one of the most profoundly spiritual experiences I have ever had.  I had heard others speak of deliveries as being miraculous and wonderful, but truthfully my other labors had consisted of pain and, well...agony.  But this delivery was so special.  The veil was very thin and the spirit was nearly tangible.  In fact, the doctor remarked later, with tears in his eyes that it had been one of the most special and touching of his career.  After Macey arrived safe and sound, the nurse started cleaning her up and checking her vitals near where I was recovering.  As I gazed on my little sweetie, a voice whispered to my heart:  "There is yet another baby to join your family."  It was the most undeniable prompting I have ever received.

It turned out that the timing of this prompting was perfect.  Just one year after Macey was born, our life was turned upside down with Tyler losing his job.  Our financial security was overturned and all that had been predictable in our life, became uncertain.  Without this prompting, fear very well may have convinced us to consider our family complete.

In 2010, I began my Weight Watchers journey and aided by the Lord, was able to loss 76 pounds in a year and a half. 

In October, 2011, my life was changed by the conference address:  "Children", by Neil L. Anderson.  In the talk, Elder Anderson spoke of an experience his friend, Elder Mason had, where he was prompted directly after his wife gave birth, that there was "yet another" baby meant to join their earthly family.  Elder Mason's experience was so similar to mine that it stood as a second witness of the truthfulness of my prompting.  Elder Anderson's talk also spoke of how we shouldn't put off having children because of earthly concerns or financial concerns.  He spoke of how Lehi (and many others) in scripture had bourne children while in the wilderness and these children had grown to be faithful adults due to the faith of their parents.  The talk was beautiful and reassuring.  And as I felt the Lord's call to duty, I was just a bit frightened.  I didn't want to lose the ground I had gained in my weight-loss battle.  I wanted to lose even more before having children.  So I asked God for one more year.  I promised him that I would have a "meeting" with him the following October during general conference and then, if I still felt the nudgings to start trying for our baby, I would be obedient then.  I didn't realize it at the time, but by putting off my obedience for a year, I was pitting my own will against my Heavenly Father's.  Oops.

IThe moment I put my will ahead of His, he withdrew his help in my weight-loss efforts.  I began slipping, losing ground, gaining, roller-coastering, doubting, struggling, etc.  I made virtually no progress in the year I had pleaded for.  It was a frustrating experience.  I had put off the Lord's errand and I was no longer entitled to His aid.

As promised, I "met" with my Heavenly Father sooner than I promised, in September actually, and submitted myself to His will.  With heart pounding and hands sweating and trembling, I called and scheduled an appointment to have my IUD removed.  During the October session of conference, there was a talk about how an airplane needs two wings to fly properly:  the analogy showed one wing as being logic, and the other wing being faith.  I had been trying to fly myself with only the wing of logic.  I now needed to exercise faith.

While I waited for the appointment, I spoke with some friends of mine with large families and they reassured me that God really does help things to work out somehow. These conversations helped me more than these sisters will ever know!

My appointment was in October, 2012.  I remember the morning of the appointment well.  I was nervous, panicked, worried, perhaps even doubtful.  (I recognize these traits now as coming from the adversary).  I wondered if I could do this thing.  I wondered if I were about to make a mistake.  We couldn't afford a baby!  What would I do if I got pregnant?  Would I quit my job?  How would we configure our already crazy schedules?  Etc.  I fell to my knees and prayed.  With tears running down my face, I sat on my bed and opened my laptop.  I went to lds.org and watched Elder Anderson's talk about children again.  I was crying like a baby now, and my appointment was only minutes away!  Watching the talk again brought me the resolution I needed and I walked much more confidently out to the car and drove, puffy eyes and all, to my appointment.

Later that afternoon, I was straightening the living room.  As I walked past the piano, I heard a voice say very clearly:  "Today is a day of great rejoicing!"  Wow.  It was powerful!

The following month, our family dealt with some major illness especially for Katie, my second child, who had several scary weeks.  At one point during dealing with her sickness, she was taking a nap in my bed, while I worked on the computer next to her.  I was completely overwhelmed and sleep-deprived in this moment, so I closed my eyes and spent a few moments meditating to calm myself.  When I opened my eyes, I noticed that Katie was now awake and looking toward the doorway of my bedroom.  There was a child standing there.  The child was too small to be any of my other children, so Katie and I were both confused.  I couldn't see any facial features, more of just a silhouette, and I couldn't exactly tell by the silhouette if the child was male or female.  Katie and I both whispered to each other quietly for a moment, then just like that the child was gone!

Starting in October, I started gaining weight again.  Lots of weight!  It was a trial of my faith and resolve.  Would I ask for more time again, so I could get to a healthier weight before conceiving?  Or would I trust that the Lord would bless me with health and common sense and determination and with a safe pregnancy?  I chose to listen NOW this time and not put off this important prompting any longer! 

Once I was off birth control, I was a little surprised that it took almost eight months to get pregnant.  It was a time of complete trust in the Lord's timing and submission to His will.  If it took a while, we would welcome that as time to get ourselves better prepared.  If it happened right away, we would thank the Lord for that! 

I mentioned in a post a few weeks ago how while studying my patriarchal blessing, I was asked by the spirit, about the desire of my heart.  I then replied that the desire of my heart was to be a better wife and mother and to have more children.  I didn't know it at the time, but I was pregnant during this spiritual communication!

The most recent experience happened just yesterday.  I was feeling yucky due to fatigue and morning sickness and the children were all at school, so I laid down on my bed.  I didn't intend to fall asleep, but I did, without an alarm set!  As 12:00 approached (preschool pick-up time), a very clear little voice awoke me:  "Mommy!  Mommy, get up now!"  I knew that I had received help from our little angel and was grateful not to arrive late to get Macey from preschool, especially since I had just gotten a new cell phone with a new number and her teachers wouldn't have had any way to reach me if I had been late!

I am overcome with many emotions at this time.  We are still living day-to-day financially and otherwise, and the doubts of our stability and readiness to become a family of seven (!) do tend to bob up to the top once in a while, but I am getting better at pushing those doubts back down whenever they threaten.  I am trying, with all the concerns about my health, etc., to choose joy and faith.  There is plenty of joy as I start thinking about this baby and about how long we have been waiting for he or she to join us!  I feel so blessed!  I know that when I am on the Lord's errand (which I am!), I am entitled to His blessing!  I know that choosing to have our fifth child is a decision I will never regret.  I look forward to meeting this little one.  I know this child's sweet, strong, insistent spirit already because I have felt it with me consistently since the moment of Macey's birth.  God is so good.  And we are so blessed!


Anna said...

We were about to buy a home and ended up backing out because Jason was getting laid off. Then he ended up getting a different job in the company. I knew there was good chance of being laid off again, but I knew we needed another baby and didn't want to wait any more. Got tired of waiting for a new home, stable job, etc. I knew we'd be okay no matter what happened.

So I ended being two months pregnant when he lost his job. There weeks later he had a new job and it is the best job he's had in his new field. Sometimes its best to not wait until everything is perfect because perfect usually doesn't come. Congrats!

Tamaran said...

I have to laugh at how similar we are. Except I'm not pregnant right now, I'm "pitting my will against my Heavenly Father's"...
Thank you for posting this. It has been a year since I started the process of getting my IUD out. It took 4 appointments with different doctors because they couldn't find the strings. I was so excited to get pregnant. We were so excited when we found out in September that we were pregnant. We miscarried in October/November. I didn't want to get a DNC, so I waited for my body to recognize what had happened. It was hard. I miscarried again in January. And...well...then I got scared. I didn't want to go through the emotions of a miscarriage again...so I quit trying. I've used wanting to lose more weight first as an excuse. I've been completely unmotivated to do anything, and even when I was exercising daily, my weight wasn't changing.
Reading your words is what I needed. Thank you for sharing such personal experiences on your blog...I think they were for me.