FOOD FOR THOUGHT

"When we obey the commandments of the Lord and serve His children unselfishly, the natural consequence is power from God—power to do more than we can do by ourselves. Our insights, our talents, our abilities are expanded because we receive strength and power from the Lord. His power is a fundamental component to establishing a home filled with peace." --Richard G. Scott, General Conference April 2013

FOOD FOR THE SPIRIT -- Confirmation from the Spirit

Isn't it nice when you pray and search for an answer to a problem, make a decision, then later have a confirmation that your decision was the correct one?  Let me explain:

As I mentioned last week, I recently chose four areas mentioned in my Patriarchal blessing as areas to work on intensively in this season of life.  I will not ignore the other admonitions mentioned in my blessing, but I will focus on these areas for now, until I sense some improvement.  As I made this decision, I felt such a feeling of peace and purpose, which replaced a confused, discouraged, overwhelmed feeling.

Today I was studying Richard G. Scott's conference address, "For Peace at Home", which he gave at the April 2013 Saturday afternoon session.  I was so pleased to hear his wise words.  The following three quotes especially touched me:

We need not worry if we can’t simultaneously do all of the things that the Lord has counseled us to do. He has spoken of a time and a season for all things. In response to our sincere prayers for guidance, He will direct us in what should be emphasized at each phase of our life. We can learn, grow, and become like Him one consistent step at a time.

AND

We exercise faith and remember that there are some things that must be left to the Lord. He invites us to set our burdens down at His feet. With faith we can know that [we are] not abandoned but [are] in the watchcare of a loving Savior.

AND

Satan is no match for the Savior. Satan’s fate is decided. He knows he has lost, but he wants to take as many with him as he can. He will try to ruin your goodness and abilities by exploiting your weaknesses. Stay on the Lord’s side, and you will win every time.

I know that I am not perfect.  So many sins and weaknesses easily beset me in this life.  I must continue to work on these imperfections with hope, knowing that the Lord is pleased by my efforts.  I pray that I can become more consistent.  I still need to learn to leave those things which are most difficult to the Lord, trusting in His grace and His loving watchcare.  I know that my goodness is worth fighting for.  I know that with Him, I can and WILL win every single time.  Every.  Single.  Time.

FOOD FOR THE SPIRIT-- Thine Walk Today with Me

Yesterday was Matthew's ADHD evaluation.  For a long time, I have been working with educators and his behavior team at school to find out what is holding him back from academic success as well as from keeping him from making and keeping close friends.  For a long time, because he prefers to play alone at school, his teacher and others missed ADHD as a diagnosis.  He has a need to constantly move, but many times people see the ADHD child as someone who is always bouncing off the walls, running, breaking things, starting fights, etc.  Matthew is such a sweet and affectionate child, always willing and able to engage in meaningful conversation, so I knew in my mother's heart that Autism was not the culprit.  Neither was Sensory Processing Disorder.  He was also tested for IQ, where he was found above average.

The official diagnosis came yesterday:  Dr. Lloyd (AKA Best Pediatrician Ever) diagnosed him with ADHD, mild anxiety, and a probable learning disability.  I prayed before the appointment that I would feel the Spirit confirm any given diagnosis and that I would also know whether any prescribed medication was something we should enlist in our battle.  Dr. Lloyd prescribed Strattera, a non-stimulant which can also help alleviate mild anxiety without the risks of an SSRI.  Immediately after the diagnosis as well as hearing the prescription, I felt peace.

I went home and read up on Strattera and did find some possible side effects, such as sombulance (sleepiness), stomachaches, headaches, and increased hyperactivity, but I feel like I should go ahead and monitor Matthew's behavior and symptoms for the trial month before trying anything else.  I like that his medication is a non-stimulant and will not become habit-forming like the stimulant medications can.  I also looked online to see if there was anything else I could do to maximize Matthew's treatment.  I ran across several resources citing the ADHD diet:  lots of lean protein, especially in the morning before school, low sugar and refined carbs, more complex carbs, more fiber, more Omega-3 fatty acids, and virtually no dyes, MSG, or aspartame.  I felt inspired to purchase a children's vitamin with 100% DV of Omega-3, which I did.  It was interesting that the recommended ADHD diet is so similar to the diet I have been considering to improve my own health.  Learning these new tips, with Matthew in mind, was like a second witness...it's time to change the way the whole family eats.

I have felt mostly peaceful, but last night I did feel a little overwhelmed for a moment.  I started to wonder why Heavenly Father has asked us to face so many difficulties all at once.  I feel as if I would be fine with one or two of our trials, but some days it really seems like the odds are stacked against us.  But it doesn't take me long to remember where I was spiritually before Tyler lost his job, before my health problems, before becoming a mother, before financial uncertainties, before having to put absolute faith and trust in God's will for my family and our future.  I have grown so much since then.  I cannot deny that God is helping me to BECOME who I need to become.

My kiddos and I had the opportunity to go to Gemstone Junction, a rock show at the Weber County Fairgrounds a few weeks ago.  As we oohed and awed at all the beautiful, perfectly smooth and polished rocks, my children asked one vendor there how the rocks become so smooth and perfect.  He showed them his rock tumbler, where he places ordinary-looking rocks.  After tumbling the rock around and around, the rock is freed from any rough edges, becoming a perfect version of itself.  I later talked to the children about how we are like those rocks sometimes.  We come to Earth in a pretty ordinary state, but with great potential.  As God allows us to go through trials and adversity and as we live faithfully, slowly, one trial of faith at a time, we are made perfect, shiny, and beautiful.

I pray that in the meantime, the Lord will feel invited to walk each day with me.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

"I experienced the joy of coming closer to the Savior and of His coming closer to me most often through simple acts of obedience to the commandments."  Henry B. Eyring, "Come Unto Me," General Conference, April 2013

FOOD FOR THE SPIRIT -- Revitalized

Last night, for the first time in months, maybe even years, I was able to attend a Relief Society activity.  I was asked to teach couponing for just a few minutes.  There were other teachers for the evening as well.  A good friend of mine, Amanda Kotter, taught about natural cleaning and another lady, Katie Shepherd taught about spiritual spring cleaning.  It was a wonderful meeting and I learned not only about couponing and cleaning, but I heard personal testimonies about the power of personal revelation in overcoming weaknesses.  Amanda spoke for a moment about some specific promptings and guidance she received in response to her petitions, which helped her to overcome bad health habits.  When she started eating only whole foods and cleaning only with natural products, she lost weight, her skin cleared, her mood improved, etc.  She also started a daily habit of positive affirmations to help combat the negativity which had taken over her life.

I have been thinking more and more lately about eliminating more processed food from my diet.  Though I doubt I'll ever be as gung ho about eating clean and cleaning with natural products as Amanda is, it was so nice to hear that God responded to her prayers in such an applicable and timely way.  I know that as I pray for guidance in my quest for physical, emotional, and spiritual health, He will also bless me with the answers I seek.

Going in to the meeting last night, I was kind of a wreck.  It had been a long, stressful day jammed with activities:  work, parent-teacher conferences, orthodontist appointments, shopping and errands, my nephew's mission call, then teaching the workshop.  I am ashamed to say, that with the craziness and stress of the day, I was NOT a nice person.  I was a yelling, grumpy, negative, MESS!  The stress of the last year seemed to accumulate until I was about to explode and by the time I got to the church, I was NOT feeling the spirit and I was trying with all my might to hold back the tears of frustration and stress.

Sister Shepherd talked about how we can eliminate unnecessary stress, distractions, and filth from our lives and our home and shorten the time periods of walking in spiritual darkness.  We all have periods of spiritual darkness, she explained, but we don't have to tarry in the dark.  We need to step into the light as quickly as we realize where we are.  The Lord wants us to walk in the light and He forgives and guides each and every time we ask for deliverance.

When I came home, I spent some time alone before bed reviewing my patriarchal blessing.  I have so many concerns and stresses swirling in my heart and I am so overwhelmed with it all.  Last night I prayed for guidance to know what needed addressing right now and what could wait a little longer.  While reading my blessing, I wrote down each admonition or piece of counsel mentioned.  When I was done writing them, I scored myself on how I felt I was doing on each on a 1-10 scale.  Then, I circled the four lowest scores and decided that these would be my priorities for now. . . for this season of life.  I then wrote some specific goals that I could work on.  As I looked at my list of admonitions from my blessing, I felt overwhelming relief and peace, to the point of tears.  I realized that I had just been given my life syllabus.  The ONLY things I am expected to work on in this life were all there in front of me on one side of a single sheet of paper.

I thought about how Tyler goes to his advisor at USU often to determine what he has accomplished and what courses still need to be completed.  At times, his advisor will even waive a requirement.  I hope that I can take just a few courses from my syllabus at a time, focusing on those with all my energy, knowing that the time to work on the others intensively will come when the season is right.  I pray that God will bless me in my endeavors.  I know that He will.  I pray that as I strive to live more righteously, with more faith, perhaps our life will settle down a little.  I hope to have a little more faith, a little more gratitude, a little more humility.

After reviewing my blessing and setting goals, the Spirit inquired of me:  "What is the desire of your heart?"  I thought for several minutes, then decided that the desire of my heart is to be a better wife and mother and to have more children.  We have known for quite some time, that there is at least one more child waiting to join our family.  I desire nothing more than to get that baby here and to be ready physically, spiritually, and financially for the opportunity to become a mother again.  There is quite a bit to this story, but I'll share that with you another day.  I felt the spirit comfort me and acknowledge my desire.  We'll see what happens.  I felt loved to have been asked that question and it was wonderful to be able to communicate that to my Heavenly Father.

As I was laying in bed last night, I asked my husband the same question:  "What is the desire of your heart?"  He said that his deepest desire is to be with his family for eternity.  I couldn't agree more.  This is real.  The plan of salvation makes that possible.  I know it does.  I have so far to go, but God is so kind.  I know I will never be left alone as long as I am working to become a better person.

Sister Shepherd's closing words last night were:  "He is coming again.  He is coming soon."

I believe that.  And when He comes, I want to be caught doing good.  I want to be caught following a prompting.  I want to be caught helping a neighbor.  I was to be caught attending the temple.  I want to be caught on my knees.  I want to be caught teaching my children the gospel.  I want to be caught taking care of this precious body, a gift from God.  I want to be caught smiling, joyful and grateful for all my blessings.  I can't wait.

FOOD FOR THE SPIRIT--On Gay Marriage

I know that this post isn't really the kind of thing I usually write about, but the thoughts in my mind and heart have been so insistent lately and I just wanted to get them down on paper, so to speak.

On Gay Marriage


By Kristen Walton


For weeks, months, and years, I have been searching my heart about the issue of gay marriage. I have finally formulated my opinion on this hot topic and I feel ready to share it with anyone who is interested. Please take the time to read this note in its entirety.


First of all, I do not support gay marriage. I have my reasons for that. They are personal. T...hey are deep-rooted. And, yes, they are based in church doctrine. That being said, I am not naïve enough to suppose that gay marriage will not become legal in the coming years. I think that it will. And soon.


I believe that many gay people are good, loyal, loving, compassionate people, just like many Christians, (but not all) are good, loyal, loving, compassionate people. I believe that they, as I am, are entitled to their agency, their own opinions, and their own convictions.


I believe that as a Christian, a Mormon, it is not my job or calling in life to judge or condemn others based on their beliefs. If gay marriage is legalized, or if it isn’t, my only job on Earth is to love others as Christ would love them. And I’m pretty sure that Christ wasn’t a Bible-thumping, house-burning, propaganda-posting kind of guy. I’m pretty sure that He was the kind of gentle man who reminded us to look within ourselves for the beams in our own eyes.


The way I see it, it’s time to stop seeing the ways in which we differ, and time to look for commonalities. I have a good friend who is covered with tattoos and piercings, physical attributes which I would never choose for my own body. But she is my friend, because we have things in common. I am grateful for her friendship. I am enriched by the stories of her life and the adversity she has overcome.


My church does teach that only marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God. And I believe that. But the Church of Latter Day Saints teaches that doctrine gently. It has never, never taught its members to hate, condemn, or judge those who choose a different set of beliefs, no matter what. In fact, the church teaches:


“I wish to say that our opposition to attempts to legalize same-sex marriage should never be interpreted as justification for hatred, intolerance, or abuse of those who profess homosexual tendencies, either individually or as a group. As I said from this pulpit one year ago, our hearts reach out to those who refer to themselves as gays and lesbians. We love and honor them as sons and daughters of God” (Gordon B. Hinckley, “Why We Do What We Do”, General Conference, October 1999).


President Dieter F. Uchdorf also taught:


“Be kind and be glad that God is kind. It is a happy way to live.”

As a member of the LDS faith, I have been taught to be even as Paul: loving, joyful, peaceful, longsuffering, gentle, good, faithful, meek, [and] temperate, (Galatians 5).


If you have met a member of the LDS church who you have felt to be hateful towards gays, please rest assured that they are not living in the way they have been encouraged to live by church leaders.


It troubles me greatly to see two things happening: 1) That I am increasingly discouraged to share my own opinion on gay marriage and 2) that society, as a whole, is unable to discuss matters such as gay marriage with respect and decency. I recently was reading about Joseph Smith’s experiences when he was searching for a church to join in the early 1800’s. He wrote:

“All their good feelings one for another, if they ever had any, were entirely lost in a strife of words and a contest about opinions” (Joseph Smith History, 1:6).


I’m ok with someone else having a different opinion from my own. I’m not personally threatened by that because I do have my own convictions. I try to live what I believe and I allow others the privilege of living what they believe. In fact, our church teaches that men ought to be allowed to worship according to “the dictates of our own conscience” I teach my children what I believe and they teach their children what they believe. (Article of Faith 11). Frankly, it’s not my business what others do in their own bedrooms.


As for all the “hellfire and damnation” talk that is aimed at homosexuals, that’s not really any of my business either. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is a one-on-one, case-by-case application. The plan of salvation is big. It is perfect. It is based in and centered around the precept of love and created by the most loving Being there is. Our Heavenly Father and His Son look on the heart. They know the whole story. They understand desires, intentions, heartaches, aspirations, and disappointments. They desire to bless and reward to the fullest extent possible. I do not see the whole picture. I cannot. They can. There is no absolute mathematical equation leading to heaven. There are simply too many variables. It is not my call to judge others on issues which I do not understand.


Some attribute my beliefs to “blind faith”. I disagree. I have spent my entire life experimenting with my faith. I have paid tithing and have been blessed for it. I have kept the Word of Wisdom and have been blessed for it. I have prayed and my prayers have been answered. I have tried and tried, sometimes quite imperfectly to follow the counsels of the Lord and I have been blessed time and time again. It’s not blind faith. It’s irrefutable and undeniable evidence.


So for me, it comes down to this. Do I believe in gay marriage? No. Do I support it? No. Do I try to love and respect all men, regardless of their personal convictions? Absolutely. Do I hope to be allowed my own beliefs? Yes, please. And in the mean time, I will have gay neighbors, coworkers, and friends. And I hope to be able to associate with them. I hope that I will look for the similarities we share, not for the ways in which we differ. I will teach my children that the fire hose of bigotry has no place in society. I will teach my children the fading art of common decency.

FOOD FOR THE SPIRIT--Blessed

I am feeling so blessed lately.  Life isn't any easier, still full of school and craziness, but I feel as if the Lord is carrying our family for now.  I am learning that all the adversity really does spur personal growth.  I am also feeling more and more grateful for rare moments of peace.  Last week we had a family moment.  Matthew was playing on the tablet, Macey was playing with her "airplane" (a carboard box), Katie was playing with Daddy on the floor, and Kelsey was practicing her violin, and I simply sat on the couch and watched my blessings flow.  I felt heaven in my home at that moment.  I wonder how many other times heaven is within my reach.  Do I notice it?  Am I worthy of the Spirit so I can feel it more often?

As far as my weight goes, I am still struggling with turning my addiction completely over to the Lord.  I have been listening to the song "Home" by Phillip Phillips a lot lately because it describes my heart perfectly right now.  I am in new territory, daring to believe that complete dependence on the Lord's grace can heal me as I work and wait for His assistance.  He will make this new life feel like home as he changes my very nature, though the changes that I know are coming still seem so frightening and foreign to me now.  Have you heard this song?  I think it translates nicely to just about any challenge in life.  I love its reminder that I am never really alone!

Click the link below to hear this beautiful song!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoRkntoHkIE

FOOD FOR THE SPIRIT--Rejoice!

I have been reading over my posts from the last few months and I have been struck by a few things.  At first, I felt ashamed at the negativitity that I felt from several of them, but then I realized that the struggles I have been facing have been real, difficult, and intense, so I'm going to give myself a free pass.  Though these struggles continue, at this moment, on this day, I feel to REJOICE!  I am so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ!

More specifically, I am thankful for His Infinite Atonement.  I have been asked to speak in sacrament meeting this week about the blessings that come from the Atonement, and as I have been studying, the miracle of this life as well as the promise of life eternal with my sweetheart and posterity, are promised blessings that fill my heart to overflowing.  I am so humbled as I try to even contemplate the blessings that await me.

Last night as I was falling asleep, I had a wonderful feeling of peace.  I felt, for the first time in years, that the spiritual sacrifices and efforts I have been making in my life were pleasing to the Lord.  I felt good.  As this feeling swept over me, I prayed that God would allow me to be good my whole life.  I am so imperfect, but I am realizing that being good AND imperfect are not mutually exclusive possibilities.  I am so grateful for the plan of salvation because I feel such hope even as I deal with adversity.  I feel joy and pain in shifts, but the joy always seems to shine a little brighter.

My life is so blessed and so full.  I love God.  He is for me.  He will always be for me.  And that truth, that understanding, causes my heart to sing.  I rejoice in His goodness.  I rejoice that He is kind.  I rejoice that He has offered His Son.  The tomb is empty and my heart is full.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

“Repentance means more than simply a reformation of behavior. Many men and women in the world demonstrate great will-power and self-discipline in overcoming bad habits and the weaknesses of the flesh. Yet at the same time they give no thought to the Master, sometimes even openly rejecting Him. Such changes of behavior, even if in a positive direction, do not constitute true repentance. …


“… True repentance is based on and flows from faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. There is no other way. True repentance involves a change of heart and not just a change of behavior (see Alma 5:13)” (The Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson [1988], 71).

FOOD FOR THE SPIRIT- Giving it to Him

The last few months have been SO. VERY. HARD.  Tyler is now in school full-time and his classes are brutal, draining us both of time together and much-needed energy.  And as I posted earlier, this winter has been full of sickness, especially for our Katie Bug.  I began gaining some serious weight right before the holidays and before long, my bad habits had returned with full-force.  The numbers on the scale climbed steadily upward.  The stretch marks returned.  The feelings of hope and renewed self-esteem were replaced by doubt and discouragement.  By February, I had gained back all but 20 pounds of what I had lost.  I was devastated.  I was angry with myself.  I was desperate to regain control over a seemingly impossible situation.  And all the while, life, with all its stressors, continued to swirl violently around me.

A few days ago, I did what, to many, will seem counter-intuitive:  I cancelled my membership to Weight Watchers.  I have a few reasons for this decision.

First, and foremost, I have been feeling more and more distanced from the ability to involve the Atonement in my recovery.  I need to refocus my heart and allow Him to change it.  Weight Watchers had become a game to me.  I was obsessed with playing it and had become absolutely obsessed with the numbers:  my daily points target, my splurge points, activity points, and most of all, the numbers on the scale.  And as I continued to fall short on the scale, I was increasingly unable to offer myself the self-compassion that I need.  It was becoming torture to face my "failures" week after week.  I was consumed with guilt and disappointment.  No bueno.

Then, like Alma the Younger, in my very dark, troubled moment, I remembered One Savior, even Jesus Christ.  I realized that no matter how wonderful the program, no matter how sound its principles, it will fall short of the miraculous Atonement.  I needed to do far more than change habits.  I needed a changed heart.  Without a complete transformation, without losing my disposition to do evil, I will always struggle, and quite possibly, always return to my natural-man tendencies.

I have called out for help from the Savior.  I have asked Him to teach me what I need to do to have my heart changed.  For the next few months, at least, my focus will be on immersing myself in the good news of the Atonement as found in the scriptures and in conference addresses.  I will be praying more.  I will be pleading for His help and patience.  I will focus less on food and exercise and more on quickly obeying specific promptings that are sent my way.  I know that He will lead me along.

This whole journey has been designed to bring me closer to my Savior.  I am learning, slowly, that without Him, I am powerless.  I am nothing.

I know that all things are possible for those who love God.  I love God, though my love for Him is often imperfect.  But I know that I can do this.  I know that the Atonement has already been applied to this specific situation.  I just need to lay claim on the blessings of the Atonement by living more faithfully and righteously, as a deliberate disciple.  I pray that God will grant my strength and understanding along the way.  I pray that He will grant me peace.

I know that as I work, the Atonement will work.  I am filled with hope that the Savior has been waiting for me and that He is anxious to assist me as I seek to conquer my own Goliath.  With Him, I will come off conqueror.

FOOD FOR THE BODY

RED VELVET CUPCAKES (from www.skinnytaste.com)

SERVES:  26

POINTS +:  4

1 1/2 cups cake flour

1 cup white whole wheat flour

1 cup sugar

1 tbsp unsweetened dutch-process cocoa

1 tsp salt

1 tsp baking powder

1 tsp baking soda

1 tsp white vinegar

1/2 cup unsweetened apple sauce

1/4 cup butter, softened

1 egg

2 egg whites

2 tsp vanilla

1 1/3 cup light buttermilk

1 tbsp red food coloring

Preheat oven to 350. Line cupcake tins with liners. In a large mixing bowl, stir together flours, salt, cocoa, and baking powder. In another large bowl beat sugar, applesauce and butter. Beat in eggs and vanilla. In a separate bowl mix baking soda and vinegar. Add half of the dry ingredients into the egg mixture, mix well. Add buttermilk, red food coloring and mix well. Add the remaining dry ingredients and fold in vinegar and baking soda. Pour in prepared cupcake liners 3/4 of the way. Bake 20-25 minutes or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean. Cool, then frost with low fat cream cheese frosting. Makes 26 cupcakes.

Low Fat Cream Cheese Frosting

8 oz 1/3 fat Philadelphia Cream Cheese

1 cup powdered sugar

1 tsp vanilla extract

Beat together cream cheese, powdered sugar and vanilla until smooth.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

"He died, not for men, but for each man.  If only one man had lived, He would have done no less."  --C.S. Lewis

FOOD FOR THE SPIRIT- Emotional Pain, Spiritual Joy

This past weekend was our stake conference.  It was a wonderful weekend!  I had the privilege of singing in a double quartet for the Saturday night adult session.  I really enjoyed doing a musical number.  Leading the choir is great, but I have really missed singing in small ensembles like that.  As a mother, I am good at forgetting to do the things I love and for several years, my music was put on the back burner.  Singing in public was also uncomfortable because of my issues with weight.  Getting up in front of people made me feel so insecure and walking to the front to sing got me winded, which made proper breathing more difficult.  It's nice to be back.

On Sunday, our dear President Jeff Packer was released as the second counselor in the stake presidency because he has been dealing with some health problems.  He was asked to speak for a few minutes.  He spoke of physical and emotional pain and adversity in general, and said that even when we are in pain, for whatever reason, it is still possible to have spiritual joy.  That perfectly describes my life.  My eating disorder brings so much pain and heartache, but as I turn to the Savior for relief and guidance, I feel so blessed and cared for.  As I look at the blessings I have been given, despite my weaknesses, I am overwhelmed with gratitude.  I am so grateful to know that I am loved and that I am needed to help build the Kingdom of God, weaknesses notwithstanding.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

To learn more about the Addiction Recovery Program (ARP), visit the following link:  http://addictionrecovery.lds.org/?lang=eng

ANYONE is invited to attend the meetings.  There are meetings available all over the country.  The meetings are free and confidential.

FOOD FOR THE SPIRIT--Digging Deep

I'm back. I've been through a lot in the last five months: grieving the loss of several friends, dealing with injuries my hubby sustained at work, taking care of a very sick little girl back in November, being a rock for my hubby as he continues his education, as well as dealing with the day-to-day struggle of financial instabilities that come with Tyler being a student. A few months ago, I thought that I had power over my addiction to food, but unfortunately, over the past several months of extreme stress, I turned to food once again to medicate and numb the stress in my life. As the holidays concluded, I was heartbroken to see what succumbing to my addiction had yielded: a staggering and rapid weight-gain. I was devastated.

I found myself at a crossroads. I could continue to give up on myself. I could beat myself up and believe myself a complete and miserable failure. I could see myself as too far gone. Or I could dig deeper, give this thing another try, and get back on track, knowing that if I lost 76 pounds once, I could lose weight again.

As I was positioning myself to make this decision, I spoke to my wise husband about the church's 12-Step Addiction Recovery Program. He acquired a workbook for me and I set off on a journey to healing through the twelve steps as interpreted through the doctrines of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. In short, I made a conscious decision to once again, involve my Heavenly Father and His son to share this journey with me. I chose hope. Right away, I began to see a change in my willpower, my desire, my perspective.

I also discovered a reality show through Netflix streaming, called "Ruby." The show follows a morbidly obese woman who once weighed 719 pounds, as she battles her weight and fights for a better life. The show was so helpful and informational for me. I learned so much about myself as Ruby spoke with her therapists, doctors, and nutritionist. I learned about the nature of addiction and about the necessity of finding out what caused the addiction to form in the first place.

Without going into any detail, I explored my past and found that perhaps my food had become a coping mechanism at an early age. As I learn to deal with pain, stress, self-doubt, fear, and discomfort head-on, in a more productive and positive way, I am confident that I will be able to be freed from my need for food as a drug. Involving the Savior in this journey will make me that much stronger, and by His grace, I will see many miracles as I strive to get my life back on track.

A week ago, I went back to Weight Watchers to face the music. I was shocked by how much weight I had managed to pack back on in such a short time period, but it was a lesson to me: I can never go back to my old ways. I learned that if I do what I had always done then, I will continue to get what I had gotten then. Fat. And miserable. This week, I have started to track every bite again. I have exercised every day, but not nearly as much as I had before. I want to be a little more sensible and practical, since this is a lifestyle I will need to maintain for the rest of my life. I used all my points as well as all my splurge points and I really didn't feel deprived at all. I was so suprised and elated to find that I had lost SEVEN pounds last night at my weigh in.

Now, I am hoping that I can find the momentum to keep making positive, sensible choices each day. I know that the Lord will help me if I turn to Him for He is so very good to me. I can do all things through Him. He wants me to be healthy.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

Elder D. Todd Christofferson explained what he learned from a personal trial: “Though I suffered then, as I look back now, I am grateful that there was not a quick solution to my problem. The fact that I was forced to turn to God for help almost daily over an extended period of years taught me truly how to pray and get answers to prayer and taught me in a very practical way to have faith in God. I came to know my Savior and my Heavenly Father in a way and to a degree that might not have happened otherwise or that might have taken me much longer to achieve. … I learned to trust in the Lord with all my heart. I learned to walk with Him day by day.”  --October 2012, General Conference, "Trial of Your Faith", D. Todd Christofferson as quoted by Neil L. Anderson

FOOD FOR THE SPIRIT--So Very Grateful

Wow.  The last few weeks have been so very hard.  Three weeks ago, Katie mentioned that she had a sore throat and when I took her temperature, it was a little high, so I tried to get into her doctor.  His office was so busy that day that they didn't answer my call or even return my message, so I called into an after hours clinic to see another doctor.  Upon examination, he said that Katie had one of the worst cases of strep throat he had ever seen.  Knowing that she is allergic to penicillin, he prescribed her Cefalexin/Keflex.  She started her dose and after a few days of rest she began to improve.  After completing the seven-day course, we figured all was well.  All was not well.  On Friday, the 16th, the school called and asked us to come pick Katie up because she had an itchy rash.  We picked her up, but honestly thought they were overreacting.  I told them that it was probably just an allergic reaction to the antibiotics.  We ran some errands in Logan and Katie and Macey played at the park while we waited for Tyler to get out of class.

By the time we got home, Katie's rash was a little more noticeable and we were positive that it was an allergy to the medication.  I gave her some Benadryl.  By 8:30 that evening, she was covered with hot pink spots.  By 10:30, they were raised, swollen, blistered and very bright.  Tyler and I talked on the phone (he was at work) and tried to decide whether to take her to the ER or whether to wait until morning to see the doctor.  Tyler got home from work at 11:15.  By 11:30, Katie's lips were swollen and starting to turn blue.  I grabbed that kid and rushed to the ER.

By the time we got to the ER, she was in anaphylactic shock.  By 11:40 they had given her a shot of epinepherine.  It was terrifying to see this shot administered.  Katie's body, which is so tiny and frail for her age, trembled and shock and jolted around and her heart beat out of her chest with a rapid and irregular beat.  Her breathing was so labored, raspy, and shallow.  It was almost like she was having a seizure.  It was the scariest moment I have had as a mother.

After the epinephrine had been administered and she stabilized somewhat, the nurse gave her an IV of a cortisone steroid to start bringing down the inflammation.  We were in the ER for a few hours, then sent home with a prescription for prednisone and instructions to continue administering Benadryl every six hours and to follow up with Katie's doctor on Monday.

Over the next few days, Katie's spots only lightened slightly.  On Saturday night, I prayed for specific guidance.  The prednisone's side effects were driving me crazy and I was one exhausted mama.  It made her angry, hateful, violent, mean, and hyper.  The other kids, following her lead were also behaving very badly.  Tyler was working that night and I was at the end of my rope.  I had a specific prompting to give Katie a cool bath with apple cider vinegar.  It was amazing how well and quickly that heavenly prescription worked!  The spots literally faded right before my eyes and Katie was instantly calmed.  The spots still lasted for several days, but we relied heavily on the apple cider vinegar baths in the interim.

On Sunday, of course, we stayed home from church.  Good, kind, wonderful neighbors brought in meals for a few days.  One good friend came to see me a brought some essential oils to help the children sleep better.  The lavender oil was a gift from above and helped calm down my itchy, hyper daughter enough at night for all of us to finally get some sleep!

On Monday, we went to see Katie's regular doctor, Dr. Lloyd.  He examined her and told me that he was very concerned that we were dealing with a potentially dangerous situation.  Her hives weren't going away, he said, because they weren't actually hives.  The rash is called erythema multiforme and was developing into a Stevens Johnsons rash in her mouth.  If the SJ rash is allowed to spread into her throat and esophagus, it can be life-threatening at worst, or disfiguring at best.  It basically kills cells everywhere it is allowed to roam.  (When I got home, I made the mistake of looking up Stevens Johnsons photos on webmd.com...not what I needed to see!)  He doubled the dose of prednisone and added a few days to the course.  He also put Katie on Zyrtec once a day in addition to keeping her on Benadryl ever six hours.  Her difficult little personality got worse, but slowly, the spots began to fade and turn into brownish/purpleish bruise looking things.  It's now been a week and a half and they are nearly gone, but when she gets cold or active, they creep back out a little.

On the 23rd (Friday), Katie began complaining about pain in her "private parts", then had several accidents.  She also began passing blood in her urine.  Again (of course), it was after-hours, so I had Dr. Lloyd paged.  He called me back and told me to take her to the ER to rule out an inflamed kidney, which could have been another symptom from the anaphylactic reaction, or post-strep urinary stress.  His hope was that it would be a simple UTI.  So off we went to the ER again and had some lab work done.  They sent us home to await the results.  Dr. Lloyd called back with good news and bad news:  Katie had a simple UTI, but this meant she needed another antibiotic...NOW.  He sent us back to the hospital to get a sulfa pill that would last us until we could fill a prescription in the morning.  Now she's on day four of a new antibiotic and we're praying HARD that she won't be allergic to it as well!

On Tuesday, I got an email from a family member who informed me that we were going to receive a special service project.  They asked me to fill out a survey and make note of anything that I felt needed to be done around the house.  It was so hard for me to accept this kind of help!  I was so humbled by the offer and truly felt that there were many, many others who needed assistance more than my family.  But truthfully, we did need the help.  Matthew's room downstairs has been unusable for several weeks because of some mold we found in that room, so he has been sleeping on the floor upstairs.  My house hasn't had a good, deep cleaning in forever.  And Tyler and I have been so exhausted with medical bills (did I mention that he was assaulted at work several weeks ago?), school, work, etc.  The offer to help with our home and yard was manna from heaven for our family.  On Friday, the 23rd, we cleaned, hauled, raked, painted, etc. all day.  And by we, I mean WE!  My brother, his wife, their kids, my parents, my SIL's dad and brothers, my other brother, his wife, my nephews and nieces, my own kids.  There were like a million people at our house, working hard.  I'll never forget the humility and gratitude I felt, looking out the kitchen window and seeing men everywhere, loading a trailer to take to the dump, hauling away branches from the tree that fell in our backyard, stacking wood, fixing the broken fence, raking.  That night, my sweet brother tucked the kids in for me while I took Katie to the ER for her UTI.

On Saturday, my brother and his wife, kicked me out of the house.  I took my kids and their kids to my mom's house for the day.  They worked from sun-up until way after sun-down on the house.  When we came home that night, the living room, hallway, and kitchen had been repainted.  The house was spotless!  Macey had a new bed and new curtains.  The bathroom had new, fluffy rugs and a new toilet seat and towel bar.  The carpets were shampooed.  I learned that new carpet has been ordered for our living room and hallway and will be installed later this week!  Downstairs, Matthew's ceiling had been repaired, textured and his room had also received a fresh coat of paint.  My mom bought new sheets for Macey's bed as well.  During the renovation, I felt every feeling known to man:  joy, gratitude, appreciation, humility, awe, embarrassment, bitterness, etc.  I am so amazed at the goodness of my family.  My brother asked for help and received it in the form of donations for our family:  time, money, energy, supplies, and expertise.  I am so amazed at that!  I hate to admit it, but truly I did feel bitterness at times during the process:  I am a good person!  I want to be the one giving and helping others!  I am tired of always being on the receiving end!  My pride tells me that it's embarrassing to need help.  It's embarrassing to have to have someone come haul away loads and loads of laundry, to scrub my toilets, to clean the grout in my tiles.  It's mortifying to have someone else walk right into my mess and ask if I need help.

But, as I watched my sweet sister-in-law, on her knees, scrubbing the floors in my home, I was reminded of Christ, gently washing the dusty, tired feet of his disciples.  He didn't do it because they needed to be cleaned because they were disgusting.  He didn't do it because they weren't capable of doing it for themselves.  He did it because He could.  He did it to demonstrate pure, selfless love and compassion for them.  I felt that love in a powerful, humbling, life-changing way this past weekend.  It was a lesson on service that I will always remember.  I know that by passing through trials, I am allowed to come closer to God, in a way that would not have been possible otherwise.  I also know that when I allow others to help me, even in intimate, embarrassing ways, I am allowing them to lay claim on blessings that come from keeping their covenants with God.  And maybe, after having passed through the hard times and having been served in such a way, I will be able to succor someone else someday, just as the Lord's suffering for my sake has made it possible for Him to offer compassion to me during the hard times.  I am so grateful.  So very, very grateful.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

"The Lord doesn't care nearly as much about where you've been as He does where you are now and where you are willing to go."  --Jeffrey R. Holland

FOOD FOR THE SPIRIT--Becoming

I am feeling so much better this week.  I lost half a pound at last night's weigh-in and 1.6 the week before.  Those numbers are still a little smaller than I would like, but I'm trying to be optimistic.  At least I'm headed in the right direction again.  I have been walking several times this week and I can now do about five miles again, which is a great improvement.  I'm feeling more in control and more confident that I can get this thing back on track very soon.

I had a long email chat with Katie's teacher and as Anne Shirley said in Anne of Green Gables, "I think we may be kindred spirits after all."  She is more aware of my feelings and concerns, more informed about Katie and what is normal for her and what is not, and we have come up with a game plan that will help Katie succeed in class without singling her out in a negative way.  I feel so much better.  Now I see why we are counseled in the Bible to go directly to the source to solve conflicts.  Once I talked with her teacher, all of my frustrations were on the table and she was able to share some of her concerns.  I pray now that Katie will begin to love school again and that her little self-esteem will flourish.

General Conference was like water on the dry, cracked desert soil for me.  It was so refreshing.  I cried like a baby through all the talks, especially Jeffrey R. Holland's.  I loved when he, speaking of Peter and the apostles on the ship the second time trying to fish, asked:  "Why are we here again, having this same discussion?"  I'm sure that I'm often needlessly repeating lessons that I've already had, reviewing scenarios that I really don't need to review.  I need to learn to learn, then learn to leave it behind and MOVE on!

I also loved Marcus Nash's talk.  I loved it for a very specific reason, which I am not ready to share with blogland.  I loved how he talked about an airplane having two wings:  one is logic and one is faith.  It cannot fly with logic alone.  Nor can it fly with faith alone.  But, for most of us, logic is the predominant wing.  He taught that we need to balance things out when we're making decisions in life, using logic as the valuable and God-given tool that it is, but also allowing faith to take over where logic fails.  I'm dealing with such a decision in my life at this time, though I cannot share what it is yet.  I also loved this quote:  "Testimony is the point of departure, not the final destination."  I love that!  I think that in the church we focus so much on testimony, but honestly, the gospel is much more about conversion.  Dallin H. Oaks was quoted a few times in conference as well for saying:  "Testimony is knowing and feeling.  Conversion is doing and becoming."

I am trying to raise the bar.  To lengthen my stride.  To stand a little taller.  To try a little harder.  These cliches are anything but cliche to me.  I am here to become.  I realize that I'm not expected to be perfect.  Not yet.  I can't be without the Savior.  I know that He can make much more out of my life than I could ever do on my own.

FOOD FOR THE SPIRIT--My Dilemma

I have a dilemma when it comes to my days off from work.  Do I relax, work my tail end off, spend time enjoying family and helping with homework, or a little of all three.  I WISH that I could spend the day sleeping, reading, cooking, eating, and indexing.  Yeah.  That would be great.  The problem is that my list of things needing attention is at least as long as a novel.  The kitchen is a mess.  My bedroom is a disaster.  The kids' rooms are atrocious.  But, I am so tired and lonely, because Tyler is at school all day, then straight off to work.  And I feel guilty because sometimes when I'm tired, I turn into a beast to my sweet little babies.  And all the stress, loneliness, frustration, and contention lead up to a great big, sugary, fattening, horrible binge!  I am not well on days like this.  It is so very frustrating and overwhelming to have this eating disorder.  I am crying right now, because I am so aware of my potential.  I know that my eating problems and my unhealthy relationship with food is holding me back from achieving my dreams.  Or recognizing that this wonderful, crazy life IS my dream.  I truly have everything I've ever hoped for (minus a few bucks), but I am having a hard time enjoying life because of my dependence on food as a drug.

Yesterday I gave a lesson in Gospel Doctrine about Helaman Chapters 13-15.  Samuel the Lamanite was telling the Nephites that when we repent, we HAVE to involve the Lord in the process if we want our hearts changed.  President Benson was quoted in the lesson too and he basically said that there are many out there who have enough discipline and will-power to change habits.  We hear about their success stories every day.  But to truly repent and return, we need the Savior because it is He who heals the wounds, changes hearts and dispositions, and sanctifies us through His marvelous and all-encompassing Atonement.  I'm still not sure whether my compulsive eating is considered a sin or not, but I know that the Atonement allowed the Savior to suffer ALL things:  pain, fear, doubt, frustration, physical maladies, death, disease, weaknesses, discouragement, etc. so that He would know how he can succor us in our times of need.

I live a wonderful life.  I have the most wonderful husband.  He is a treasure to me, and I hope to never take our relationship for granted.  I told you about my friend Holly, who recently lost her sweetheart to cancer.  Since Trent's death, the realization that this life is so fragile has been etched into my heart and I truly am trying to savor each moment I have with my loved ones.  My children are so sweet.  We learn in the Bible that children are a blessing to the righteous.  They are a reward.  Sometimes, as a mommy, I forget that.  They are my reward.  That reward:  to be with my family forever, remains my goal.  I feel that my reclaiming my health is an important stepping stone because I can serve my family and neighbors so much more effectively as healthy and happy me than I can as sick, unhappy me.  I want to lose weight for Him.  And for my children.

I know my posts lately may have sounded frustrated, overwhelmed.  And truthfully, they are.  But I always have hope that someday I'll have this all figured out and I'll be able to level up.  I have decided that the safest place for me right now is in the center of God's will.  I will remain close to the Savior.  I will turn to Him.  He will be my Personal Trainer.  He will be my Nutritionist.  He will be my Counselor.  But most of all, I hope to have Him as a friend.

A family member recently asked me why I have chosen to make my personal battle with weight so public on my blog and also on Facebook, where I post my weigh-in results on a weekly basis.  I explained to him that I WANT people to see my struggle.  I believe that the more strenuous the struggle, the more glorious the victory.  I hope that they will see that I am still able to turn to the gospel of Jesus Christ for comfort.  I also want anyone else with an eating disorder to know that they are not alone.

I praise my Heavenly Father.  I am grateful for the tender mercies He bestows upon me each day.  He is good.  He is kind.  He is there for me.

FOOD FOR THE SPIRIT--Back on Track

I felt like me again today.  This morning, I dropped the chickies off at school, then dragged Tyler out of bed and told him that he was going for a walk with me before school.  Not asked, told.  He grumbled at first, but once we got out of the house and started walking down the dirt lane near our house, he reached for my hand and we started to talk.  Really talk.  About all the stress in our lives, about the kids, about money, about how we met and about when we fell in love.  It was really great to get away for a while and just be together with no obligations.  Maybe until times get a little easier, we'll just have to fit in some more walks together since we have no time or money for date nights!  I go walking by myself all the time, but it is always funner to take him along.

In the afternoon, Tyler called me and invited me over to the high school where he was working. We walked around the track, then raced against the kids.  It turns out that our little Katie is quite the distance runner!  She ran two miles without stopping!  And Kelsey is a great sprinter.  I couldn't even beat her.  It was a wonderful, active day.

It feels so good to be back at my WW meetings.  I felt very hopeful tonight.  I know that I can at least keep trying.  Tonight we were challenged to set a specific goal to try to achieve in the eight weeks leading up to  Thanksgiving.  Then we were told to write our goal down, along with what we planned to do to make it happen, then tell someone else out loud what we planned on accomplishing.  So here is my goal and what steps I will take to make it become a reality by Thanksgiving:

• Goal:  I will be back into the teens before Thanksgiving

• I will track each day from now until Thanksgiving
• I will exercise six days a week (like I used to!) from now until Thanksgiving
• I will not eat after 9:00 pm
• To celebrate, I will run the Turky Trot 5K on Thanksgiving morning

I can do hard things.  With God, I can do anything.  I feel empowered and very proud of myself for getting back up and giving myself permission to try again.  I feel that that was a kind thing to do for myself.  It feels nice to be compassionate and caring to myself.  I've got this.

FOOD FOR THE SPIRIT-Rain and Real Estate

This morning I was reading in 3 Nephi Chapter 14 and a few key points struck me. The super-awesome-neato thing about the scriptures is that I'd never really thought about these particular verses before. Last time I read this chapter, it was a completely different group of verses that hit me just right. But today I was touched by verses 9-11:

9. Or what man is there of you, who, if his son ask bread, will give him a stone?

10. Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?

11. If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts until your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?

I LOVE that! To me, these verses offer a remarkable promise ... our Father loves us perfectly and WANTS to bless us. We need to ask for these blessings. I think of my own children when reading these verses. So many times, I want to help them, but I can't understand what it is they need, because they're too busy crying or whining. But as soon as I can get them calmed down, and get them to "use their words," I'm able to hear, "Mommy, I'm thirsty. I need a drink." And of course I get a drink for my sweet child. Whatever it is that we need of our Father in Heaven: understanding, desire, ability, faith ... have we asked Him, using "our words?" Or are we too busy whining about life and complaining about it, to ever really, really kneel down and begin that conversation with our literal Father in Heaven? And as much as I love my own kiddos, Heavenly Father's love is even more pure and perfect. He is the supreme example of a loving, caring parent.

I also love the story of the wise man and foolish man found at the end of this same chapter in verses 24-27. We've all heard this story: ... the wise man builds his house upon the rock (upon the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ's gospel) and the foolish man builds his house upon the sand (upon the world's or his own understandings). And we all know the rest of the story too. The wise man's house stood still and the foolish man's house washed away.

Here's the part that hit me today though: it rained on both of them. Neither of them was without trials. No one is above adversity. The wise man's choice of real estate never meant that he would not be tested. It simply meant that he would be able to withstand a catastrophic finish. The foolish man, would not be able to stand the winds and rains of adversity. As in real-life real estate, we learn that it's all about: LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION!!!

Pretty good stuff, right? What did you read today? I'd love to hear!!!

FOOD FOR THE SPIRIT- ADJUSTING TO LIFE

I am feeling a little better than I was when writing my last post.  Life is a whirlwind, but our schedules are working out a little better.  The biggest issue for me now is getting Katie used to her new class.  She is at the "bottom of her class" according to her teacher.  I am not sure if that is true, or if the new curriculum is just so foreign to her that she has not been able to fly her flag yet.  I was disappointed to find that her teacher is keeping her from going to music class so she can finish her assignments.  She LOVES music.  Singing is the thing she loves above everthing else and she is so talented.  I hate to picture her sitting at her desk alone, while everyone else is singing!  It just breaks my heart!  The assignments she has at night are grueling; the stuff she's learning, I never learned until just a few semesters ago when Tyler had Geology.  I bought her a little plaque to hang in her room that says, "I Can Do Hard Things" and we keep it with us at the kitchen table each time we do homework together.  I don't want to give up, because as painful and frustrating as the process is, I can see her growing.  I just want to make sure that I am involved in the process so I can be her advocate.  Her teacher has not made the best impression on me to this point.  She's a little defensive quite frankly, and it seems a little out of touch with what is realistic for these kids.  (Most of them are struggling as well).  She's also a little impatient and pretty snappy with the kids.  Each time I walk into the school, I get a yucky feeling because I know that I am walking in a world that causes my daughter stress.  But I prayed about whether to send her to this new school and I think I felt good about it.  I guess time will tell.  I have told Katie that she has a team:  Mommy, Daddy, her siblings, grandparents, Mr. Passey (the principal), and Mrs. D.  She giggled and told me that Purdy (our black lab) is also on her team.  Thank goodness for Purdy!

Weightloss.  Hmmm.  Why is this so hard for me?  I know how to lose weight!  After losing 76 pounds, I am pretty sure that I CAN lose weight!  (It absolutely kills me to think that I have gained 22 of those pounds back).  I think I've just run out of steam.  At the end of the day, I'm simply exhausted.  The crazy part is that when I was doing really well on my plan, it never was really hard.  I tracked each day and worked out each day.  It was a no-brainer situation.  But now, I'm not doing any of it.  I'm just trying to hold everything together.  I'm either working, cleaning, cooking or helping with homework.  I really haven't found a new groove.  I firmly believe that I can fit it in and that my not exercising is just based on excuses.  I know I can do better, but I also know that there is a need for self-compassion here.  I am dealing with so much right now.  As much as I want to do it all and do it all well, I need to not be so hard on myself.  I STILL have accomplished a lot.  I can do this when I'm ready.  I want to be able to do it with joy like I did at the beginning.  I want it to be exciting and fun again.  I want to do it with my family.  I used to talk long walks/runs with the kids.  I loved involving them in my journey.  We danced together, played in the yard, went swimming, whatever.  I WANTED it so badly before!  I am praying that God will again somehow bless me with the fire of desire, which really is a gift.  It's not something I can buy at the store.  It's not something I can force myself to adopt.  Desire is a gift from God.  I will be on my knees this week, praying for the desire to be healthy, to treat my body with more respect, to live more joyfully, to deal with stress in a healthier way, and to be more compassionate with myself.  I can do this.  This is a good cause.  This is worth fighting for.  I love my kids, and I want to be kind to their mommy!  Forward ho!!!

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

"When He comes, I want to be caught living the gospel.  I want to be surprised, right in the act of spreading the faith and doing something good.  I want the Savior to say to me: 'Jeffrey, I know you, not because of your title, but because of your life--the way you're trying to live and the standards you're trying to live by.  I see the integrity of your heart.  I know you've tried to make things better, first and foremost, by being better yourself, and then by delcaring my word and defending my gospel to others in the most compassionate way you could.  I know you weren't always successful, but I believe you honestly tried.  I believe, in your heart, you honestly love me.'  I so want to have something like that encounter someday as I want nothing else in this mortal life.  And I want it for you.  I want it for each of us."  Jeffrey R. Holland (CES, September, 2012)

FOOD FOR THE SPIRIT--Herculean Tasks

Help!  I am so frustrated with myself!  After working so hard to build good health habits, for so long, I can feel myself slipping.  I'm not sure what's going on, but I have found it increasingly difficult to keep my focus on tracking and exercising.  I'm sure the root of the problem is the tremendous amount of stress that our family is under:  schedules, school, finances, church callings, grief, etc.  I mentioned in this list, grief.  In the last eight weeks, Tyler and I have lost eight good friends.  Included in this list are our next-door neighbor, one of my good friends from my childhood (died from Lupus), a former co-worker with three young children (A L Leukemia), a sweet older neighbor from my childhood, and as I mentioned a few posts ago, our good friend who died of cancer a few weeks ago.  This cumulative grief, especially the heartache I am feeling for the younger families, has been very stressful and difficult for me to deal with.  My Katie Bug is not adjusting well to her new school, a charter school with a more difficult curriculum than she is accustomed to, so I have also been spending a lot of time helping her and caring for her emotional needs as she deals with the changes that come with switching schools.  She has been extremely moody, clingy, and sensitive.  Luckily, Matthew is really doing well with the transition.  Macey is now in preschool, which she is loving.  The new need for babysitting twice a week, due to mine and Tyler's crazy schedules, has been hard on all of the kids, but especially Macey, who has reverted in her potty-training.  So we have to add potty-training to the mix...again!  And Tyler's workload with school and his job has been INSANE!  I hope I can just keep things as normal as possible for our little family, but it's been hard because there is just so little consistency for our poor children.  Each day is different, with a different routine.  I am grateful for my awesome family.  Without them, these challenges would be so much more intense.  Tyler's Mom has been watching the kids on Tuesdays, and my parents take them on Thursdays.  My Mom has also been watching them on Wednesday nights so I can attend my WW meetings.

I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer, but all the stress is getting to me.  And I have turned to food.  It's always worked for me before when times got hard, and I'm afraid that I still haven't learned completely that doing this to myself is self-destructive behavior.  Actually, I know it is self-destructive, I just can't stop doing it.  I really need to work through this.  I need to turn again to the Lord in prayer, fasting, and study His word.  I really believe that my addiction to food is bigger than I am right now.  I need His help.  I know that I am entitled to it as long as I am doing my part.

Another issue that I constantly struggle with is the state of our home.  I am not naturally an organized person.  Keeping our home clean and clutter-free, for whatever reason, is a Herculean task for me.  I know that this is something difficult for many moms, but I think that my home is worse than most.  On the spectrum from Martha Stewart being a one and an episode of Hoarders being a ten, our home is usually at about a six.  I know that I need to work on this.  I know it will help my family to feel more relaxed and peaceful in the midst of all the turbulence we are sailing through these days.  The way I see it, I have to improve in several areas right now, and all of them at once.  They are all urgent!  I need to improve my health, my financial situation, my home maintenence skills and organization, and as always, work on my relationships with my family.

I think that all the stress is the main reason that I have turned to overeating, but I also miss my husband.  I really only see him a few hours during the week.  He is at school all day, then hurries off to work.  On his days off, he is taken away for Young Men's activities.  When neither of us has obligations, we spend the time frantically studying, writing papers, and preparing presentations for school.  It has been ages since we have gone to the temple together or just to a movie or something.  Still, our relationship is still very strong.  We try to cherish each possible moment together.  When we're not together, we text or talk on the phone as often as we can.

This is turning out to be world's longest blog post ever, so I'll try to wrap it up on a positive note.  The Brigham City temple is going to be dedicated this Sunday, so we have decided to use that opportunity to rededicate our home as well.  I am cleaning and purging all the junk I possibly can to prepare.  It has been exhausting to do, but our home is looking better than it has for a long, long time.  I am hoping that rededicating the home will remind us all that it should be a sacred place, away from the world; a haven.  I pray that we will be able to work together to keep it nice and neat (er) so the Spirit can always dwell there.  I am NOT giving up on getting healthier.  I know that I can do this and that I am NOT expected to do it on my own.  My Savior understands pain, addiction, stress, loneliness, and all the other factors that are holding me back.  I know that His love and guidance are the key to getting back on track and I am counting on my faith to bring me back into focus with my weightloss goals.  Dear Readers, will you please pray for me as I try to do better?  Thank you for letting me vent today.  I love you all!