The last few months have been SO. VERY. HARD. Tyler is now in school full-time and his classes are brutal, draining us both of time together and much-needed energy. And as I posted earlier, this winter has been full of sickness, especially for our Katie Bug. I began gaining some serious weight right before the holidays and before long, my bad habits had returned with full-force. The numbers on the scale climbed steadily upward. The stretch marks returned. The feelings of hope and renewed self-esteem were replaced by doubt and discouragement. By February, I had gained back all but 20 pounds of what I had lost. I was devastated. I was angry with myself. I was desperate to regain control over a seemingly impossible situation. And all the while, life, with all its stressors, continued to swirl violently around me.
A few days ago, I did what, to many, will seem counter-intuitive: I cancelled my membership to Weight Watchers. I have a few reasons for this decision.
First, and foremost, I have been feeling more and more distanced from the ability to involve the Atonement in my recovery. I need to refocus my heart and allow Him to change it. Weight Watchers had become a game to me. I was obsessed with playing it and had become absolutely obsessed with the numbers: my daily points target, my splurge points, activity points, and most of all, the numbers on the scale. And as I continued to fall short on the scale, I was increasingly unable to offer myself the self-compassion that I need. It was becoming torture to face my "failures" week after week. I was consumed with guilt and disappointment. No bueno.
Then, like Alma the Younger, in my very dark, troubled moment, I remembered One Savior, even Jesus Christ. I realized that no matter how wonderful the program, no matter how sound its principles, it will fall short of the miraculous Atonement. I needed to do far more than change habits. I needed a changed heart. Without a complete transformation, without losing my disposition to do evil, I will always struggle, and quite possibly, always return to my natural-man tendencies.
I have called out for help from the Savior. I have asked Him to teach me what I need to do to have my heart changed. For the next few months, at least, my focus will be on immersing myself in the good news of the Atonement as found in the scriptures and in conference addresses. I will be praying more. I will be pleading for His help and patience. I will focus less on food and exercise and more on quickly obeying specific promptings that are sent my way. I know that He will lead me along.
This whole journey has been designed to bring me closer to my Savior. I am learning, slowly, that without Him, I am powerless. I am nothing.
I know that all things are possible for those who love God. I love God, though my love for Him is often imperfect. But I know that I can do this. I know that the Atonement has already been applied to this specific situation. I just need to lay claim on the blessings of the Atonement by living more faithfully and righteously, as a deliberate disciple. I pray that God will grant my strength and understanding along the way. I pray that He will grant me peace.
I know that as I work, the Atonement will work. I am filled with hope that the Savior has been waiting for me and that He is anxious to assist me as I seek to conquer my own Goliath. With Him, I will come off conqueror.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
FOOD FOR THE SPIRIT- Giving it to Him
Posted by K Walton at 9:00 AM
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5 comments:
I'm amazed by your faith.
I want to share with you a few things from our stake conference. It was 2 weeks ago and absolutely AMAZING. We were getting a new stake presidency so we had 2 general authorities in attendance. There were several themes that stood out to me. One of them was temple attendance.
During the chapel session of our Stake Temple Day, the SL Temple President spoke (forgive me for not remembering his name). He talked about how hard it is to fit in attending the temple once a month. I agreed whole heartedly. We set a goal to go monthly last year. We were about 75% on keeping that goal. IT. WAS. HARD.
[Oh a side note, one of the ladies I taught on my mission asked me once how often I go to the temple. A temple trip for them is a huge deal and I practically live in the shadows of the SL temple. I was ashamed to tell her that my goal was once a month and we didn't always make our goal.]
Back to the temple president. He then said that going once a week is much easier, because it is no longer something we have to squeeze in, but it is scheduled--it is just something we do.
That resonated with me. I looked at my schedule. I am already away from my 4 and 2 year old for 45-50 hours a week, so the idea of adding just a couple of hours away from them seemed impossible. I didn't want to miss time away from my kids or hubby. I felt prompted that if I didn't want to lose time with them, I needed to go before they wake up on Saturday morning. I'm talking 6 a.m. session. I decided that even though I had just attended the temple that week already (Stake temple day was on Wednesday), I needed to start my weekly attendance Saturday morning. I knew that if I put it off a week, it would be harder to start.
That Saturday was hard. I got up to make the 6 session, just to realize that my recommend was at my office and I didn't have time to pick it up and make the 6 session. So I got it and made the 7. By 9:05 I was at choir practice for the stake choir to sing the next day. I left early so that Jon could get to his interview (they interviewed all the bishops and high counselors while 'looking' for a new stake president). He read his time wrong, was late, had to wait, and didn't get home till noon. We had 4 hours until the priesthood session of conference. Jon left, then came home and got me, we had a hamburger at a restaurant close by (thank goodness for my mother who traveled out so that she could watch the kids) then went to the adult session. As we listened to the general authorities speak, I felt it confirmed that I had made a righteous decision. I knew I would be blessed.
During the general session on Sunday (we meet in the Assembly Hall on temple square for stake conference because our stake center is not large enough), weekly attendance was again emphasized.
Our stake patriarch encouraged us to spend a couple hours a week in the temple. Then...I don't remember which general authority it was (Elder Gay or Elder Fisher) reemphasized what the stake patriarch said. He also said that he liked what he had said about 'spending a couple hours'. He said too often we get in the habit of saying we will 'do a session'. He reminded us that there are more ways to serve in the temple and suggested that when we go to the temple "we ask Father where he would have us serve that day".
It has only been 2 weeks since the chapel session, but I have been to the temple 3 times. I'm not going to lie-I almost always feel exhausted! But I have been blessed in so many ways. I have been more patient. I have been more gentle. I have been more willing to serve. It has been amazing.
I would offer the same suggestion to you. Is there a time that you can find to serve in the temple each week? We always found that when we scheduled a time once a month, everything would go wrong that day. Sometimes we would make it and sometimes we wouldn't. Having it once a week (and first thing in the morning) has actually been quite amazing.
I don't like going alone, but that is the only way it could become a weekly schedule. I shared with my hubby after the chapel session how I felt and he said he had long felt prompted to make it a once a week habit. He goes on Tuesdays as soon as he gets off of work. It has made him get home late, but we have been so blessed.
Anyway, sorry for writing a novel. I loved your post and felt inspired. It made me want to share the inspiring experience that I have had. :)
Sorry, had to break that up into 3 comments--I never knew there is a maximum comment length ;)
Tamaran, thank you for reminding me of the importance of temple work. Sometimes, since I love doing family history, I forget that serving in the temple can bless my life just as much as it blesses those whose names I take. Thanks to you, I'm planning a trip for next Wednesday. Thank you for the reminder AND for your love and support!
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