Inspiring Myself

Today I took a break from my usual Monday routine to sit and read my Facebook timeline.  I read back into the past, through all my successes and heartbreaks with weight loss, health, finances, etc.  As I read my own words, I was so inspired!  But the feelings of inspiration were bittersweet and it hit me for the first time that I have SO FAR TO GO.  Only I know how hard I worked to lose those 76 pounds.  Only I know how many hours I spent tracking, working out, and praying for strength and guidance.  This morning as I read through my feed, I felt a tremendous sense of loss.  I started bawling and I realized that I now need to muster the courage to do it all again.  I think that feeling this sense of grief was a healthy step in my recovery.  But, I really was encouraged by my positivity, especially during the hard times.  I would NOT consider myself to be back at square one because this time, I KNOW that I have a supportive Heavenly Father, a network of family and friends who are always cheering my successes (large and small), and that I have a deep and abiding faith and love for the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  Because I have walked this path before, and more importantly, because my Savior has walked this path before, I know that all things are possible.

Two weeks ago I joined Weight Watchers again.  Last week I got my First Five award!  It feels so good to know that I am on my way again.  I know how hard this will be, but I also know that being overweight is even harder.  I'm worth the effort.  I am a child of God, and I want to be healthy for Him.  I know that my desires are righteous.  I know that He loves me and is mindful of my desires.  I place myself in His care and I pray that I will be found worthy of His guidance and of His strength.  I know that without Him, I am nothing, and that with Him I am truly mighty.  As I read my timeline this morning, I saw that mightiness.  I am a fighter, a survivor, a warrior, and I will come off conqueror!  I know that there will be countless difficulties in my path, but the Lord will make the way clear for me.  I am back.  And He is my Captain.

Oh My!

Wow.  I'm not sure I can put into words quite why I have been away from my blog for so long.  First of all, I have this little baby.  He is wonderful!  My little Bennett is now nine  months old and as cute as he can be!  He's a little mop top with the biggest hazel eyes, the longest eyelashes, and the roundest little face.  Here's a pic (OK, so a few) to get you up to speed: 

He is my biscuit and I am smitten.  Anyway, the other reason I haven't written for so long is that I've been dreading having to report to my loyal readers, that I have been doing QUITE HORRIBLY with my health goals.  I have gained all my weight back.  Poo!

I am reminded that SELF-COMPASSION is key to personal betterment.  If I lost myself for a little while, in order to bring this little man to mortality, IT WAS SO WORTH IT.  He is here.  I am here.  And now it's time to get back to work.  I am feeling my heart girding up its proverbial loins, once again preparing to battle this Goliath called obesity.  I know that the Lord is prepared to assist me as I pick myself up and move forward in faith.  I am feeling excited about this opportunity.  Adventure awaits.  I am up for the challenge.

So here's what I am doing to reinvent myself.  First, I am making lotsa lists!  LOTSALOTSA!  Each morning, I roll out of bed, do the tuck and tumble so I land on my knees and I pray for HELP, DIRECTION, GUIDANCE, ENERGY, and PURPOSE.  Then, I get those kiddos off to school, come home, eat breakfast, make my list, listen to audio scriptures while doing a load of dishes and a load of laundry, then I plug away at that list all the live-long day and just try to get as many check marks as I can!  I have not yet figured out how to fit exercise into my day in a practical way because I am super busy just trying to get all the other stuff done, but I'll keep trying.  I have started tracking all my food on myfitnesspal.com, which is an awful lot like the tracker I used for Weight Watchers, but it's free.  I am doing pretty well at tracking but not so well at eating exactly what I should.  I have good days and bad days.

Did I mention that I quit my job about a month ago.  This was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made.  In my entire life.  Like, ever.  Why?  Because we really, really, really needed that money!  And now we don't have it.  Ouch.  But, I prayed about it, and felt prompted to quit.  I love that today in general conference, L. Tom Perry said:  "The decisions made by women today will be eternal in their consequences."

Every time I tried to ignore this prompting, I had to wonder to myself:  "If this is truly a prompting from the Lord, and I choose to ignore it, what is the price I will pay for my disobedience?"  Thinking of my children and how much I love them, I didn't even want to think about it.  Though it was SUPER hard to quit my wonderful, flexible, near-perfect job, I chose to obey.  Now, as we begin to really feel the financial pinch, I must choose faith.  Satan is working on me though, and the doubts sometimes fly.  I believe that I chose obedience and I believe as I "go and do the thing the Lord commandeth," that He will provide a way.

I want to begin this journey back on the right foot, so I am going to once again place myself in the center of His will.  I know that as always, He will lead me along.  And though I don't know where the path leads, I do know that I will get there.  I will.