Today I took a break from my usual Monday routine to sit and read my Facebook timeline. I read back into the past, through all my successes and heartbreaks with weight loss, health, finances, etc. As I read my own words, I was so inspired! But the feelings of inspiration were bittersweet and it hit me for the first time that I have SO FAR TO GO. Only I know how hard I worked to lose those 76 pounds. Only I know how many hours I spent tracking, working out, and praying for strength and guidance. This morning as I read through my feed, I felt a tremendous sense of loss. I started bawling and I realized that I now need to muster the courage to do it all again. I think that feeling this sense of grief was a healthy step in my recovery. But, I really was encouraged by my positivity, especially during the hard times. I would NOT consider myself to be back at square one because this time, I KNOW that I have a supportive Heavenly Father, a network of family and friends who are always cheering my successes (large and small), and that I have a deep and abiding faith and love for the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Because I have walked this path before, and more importantly, because my Savior has walked this path before, I know that all things are possible.
Two weeks ago I joined Weight Watchers again. Last week I got my First Five award! It feels so good to know that I am on my way again. I know how hard this will be, but I also know that being overweight is even harder. I'm worth the effort. I am a child of God, and I want to be healthy for Him. I know that my desires are righteous. I know that He loves me and is mindful of my desires. I place myself in His care and I pray that I will be found worthy of His guidance and of His strength. I know that without Him, I am nothing, and that with Him I am truly mighty. As I read my timeline this morning, I saw that mightiness. I am a fighter, a survivor, a warrior, and I will come off conqueror! I know that there will be countless difficulties in my path, but the Lord will make the way clear for me. I am back. And He is my Captain.
Monday, October 27, 2014
Inspiring Myself
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Oh My!
Wow. I'm not sure I can put into words quite why I have been away from my blog for so long. First of all, I have this little baby. He is wonderful! My little Bennett is now nine months old and as cute as he can be! He's a little mop top with the biggest hazel eyes, the longest eyelashes, and the roundest little face. Here's a pic (OK, so a few) to get you up to speed:
I am reminded that SELF-COMPASSION is key to personal betterment. If I lost myself for a little while, in order to bring this little man to mortality, IT WAS SO WORTH IT. He is here. I am here. And now it's time to get back to work. I am feeling my heart girding up its proverbial loins, once again preparing to battle this Goliath called obesity. I know that the Lord is prepared to assist me as I pick myself up and move forward in faith. I am feeling excited about this opportunity. Adventure awaits. I am up for the challenge.
So here's what I am doing to reinvent myself. First, I am making lotsa lists! LOTSALOTSA! Each morning, I roll out of bed, do the tuck and tumble so I land on my knees and I pray for HELP, DIRECTION, GUIDANCE, ENERGY, and PURPOSE. Then, I get those kiddos off to school, come home, eat breakfast, make my list, listen to audio scriptures while doing a load of dishes and a load of laundry, then I plug away at that list all the live-long day and just try to get as many check marks as I can! I have not yet figured out how to fit exercise into my day in a practical way because I am super busy just trying to get all the other stuff done, but I'll keep trying. I have started tracking all my food on myfitnesspal.com, which is an awful lot like the tracker I used for Weight Watchers, but it's free. I am doing pretty well at tracking but not so well at eating exactly what I should. I have good days and bad days.
Did I mention that I quit my job about a month ago. This was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. In my entire life. Like, ever. Why? Because we really, really, really needed that money! And now we don't have it. Ouch. But, I prayed about it, and felt prompted to quit. I love that today in general conference, L. Tom Perry said: "The decisions made by women today will be eternal in their consequences."
Every time I tried to ignore this prompting, I had to wonder to myself: "If this is truly a prompting from the Lord, and I choose to ignore it, what is the price I will pay for my disobedience?" Thinking of my children and how much I love them, I didn't even want to think about it. Though it was SUPER hard to quit my wonderful, flexible, near-perfect job, I chose to obey. Now, as we begin to really feel the financial pinch, I must choose faith. Satan is working on me though, and the doubts sometimes fly. I believe that I chose obedience and I believe as I "go and do the thing the Lord commandeth," that He will provide a way.
I want to begin this journey back on the right foot, so I am going to once again place myself in the center of His will. I know that as always, He will lead me along. And though I don't know where the path leads, I do know that I will get there. I will.
Monday, January 13, 2014
A Baby Story...Continued
Well, he's here! This pregnancy has been one heck of a ride! The first trimester was filled with racing pulses, chest pain, difficulty breathing, and morning sickness. The second trimester was much better, but filled with absolute exhaustion and more morning sickness. And the third trimester was filled with worry, worry, worry! I worried about EVERYTHING, but especially about the baby's blood sugar levels and about shoulder dystocia, a dangerous condition that my other son had, which led to a very traumatic delivery. This little one was breech the entire pregnancy, so the doc and I also had to decide whether or not to attempt a vaginal breech delivery or whether to do a c-section. In the end, we both felt good about the c-section and we scheduled one for 11:00 am on the 27th of December.
I was supposed to arrive at the hospital that morning at 8:00 am. I set my alarm for 6:45 am to give us time to drive the kids to my brother's house in nearby Perry. I woke up on my own at 6:30, however, with mild, but frequent and regular contractions. Though I have had four children before, I was induced with each one, so I really had never had the experience of going into labor on my own. As I put on my make-up, I found myself having to sit down and take breaks because the pain was getting more intense. It was then that I realized that I needed to get to the hospital NOW! I began shouting orders and we grabbed our disheveled children and raced out to Perry, then right back into town. I arrived at the hospital at 7:45 and as I walked into the labor and delivery ward, announced that I was in labor. The nurse smiled and sent my into a room to get into my dressing gown, then left. As I waited for her to come back, I knew FOR SURE that this was the real deal and that there was no way I would make it until my 11:00 surgery. The nurse and my doctor came back into the room to find me pacing, with one hand on my abdomen and one on my back. Doc was about to begin his first surgery of the day, a hysterectomy, but thankfully, he decided to check me first. When he examined me I was dilated to an eight! Needless to say, our planned c-section turned into an emergency c-section. I was strapped into bed and rushed to the OR. Minutes later, our little man made his entrance, pink, chubby, hairy, and absolutely perfect!
As always, having a newborn in the home has been a major adjustment, but this time the emotions have been a little more raw: knowing what it took to get him here, how much I worried for his health and safety, remembering the months and months of efforts on my part to lose weight, recalling the doubts about our finances, then the moments of decision, of our choosing faith over doubt, and ultimately allowing the grace of God to bless us with this special and sweet little one. I have tried to cherish every single moment with him, and I have spent hours in the dark, feeding him and staring at his beauty. I feel so overwhelmed with gratitude and I thank God for the path that led this baby to our home.
I heard the most beautiful song the other day. It was talking about how God heals us, but leaves the scars to remind us of His mercy. I feel healed from so many heartaches, and I thank God for my new c-section scar: a constant reminder of how much I am blessed. I have a healthy baby. I am not certain if our financial difficulties are over. I have hope that tour situation is improving. Tyler was offered his old job back and recently began working there full-time again. I definitely feel that this change is, at least in part, a reward for our desire to be faithful. I know that there will always be trials, but God will lead us in our futures, as He has led us in the past. I know that I will never regret my decision to answer the call to become a mother again. Life is so amazingly good. My cup runneth over!
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Introducing....
He's here!
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