As you know, these last 2 1/2 months have been a whirlwind of change and emotion for me and for my family. I have had moments of profound gratitude and days when I have felt so incredibly cared for and watched over. Unfortunately, I have also had days and nights when I have allowed pride and frustration to enter into and harden my heart. Something about the survival-of-the-fittest mentality of a job search and a whole new way of life for our family, left me lacking once again in regards to things spiritual. I found myself this week, at the bottom of the vicious cycle of pride spoken of in the Book of Mormon. Tonight's post, at a rather late hour, is my way of pledging to God that I will not allow Satan's lies and tales of hopelessness and worthlessness defeat me.
Tonight, I read of a literal account of hopelessness in Alma 56. Moroni and his "little" band of 2000 young, inexperienced soldiers, found themselves in dire circumstances in a very dangerous war for liberty:
vs. 40 ". . . Neither would I turn to the right nor to the left lest they should overtake me, and we could not stand against them, but be slain. . . and thus did we flee all that day into the wilderness, even until it was dark."
I found myself in this verse. I found myself running from fear and uncertainty. I was there, running from my fear of failure, my disappointment in self. Imagine my surprise when I again found myself a few verses later, in a much different light:
vs. 44 "Therefore, what say ye my sons, will ye go against them to battle?"
Yes! I do not want to give up this most important fight. The fight for liberty of soul and spirit! I will trust AGAIN in the God who has delivered me in the past!
Then, I saw my future self in verses 46-47, and I could picture the triumph of defeating my depression, my health problems, my weight, and my uncertainty and lack of faith:
". . . behold our God is with us, and he will not suffer that we should fall; then let us go forth. . . "
". . . Now they had never fought, yet they did not fear death (or failure). . . they had been taught. . . that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them."
I do not doubt that I am here at this point in my life for a purpose. I do not doubt that, through my faith and my attitude, I possess the strength to survive and thrive through hard times. And moreover, I do not doubt that through God's tutelage, I can be guided and taught until all my weaknesses become my greatest triumphs.
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.-Eleanor Roosevelt
Here are some more great thoughts from General Conference:
"As our Father, He is always willing and desirous to forgive our errors and weaknesses and the sins we commit, subject only to total and sincere repentance. And as a complement to that—and as the maximum manifestation of His immense love for each one of His children—He provides us with the consequences of the singular work wrought by the Savior, namely the Atonement, brought about by an obedient Son always willing to do the Father’s will in benefit to each one of us" (Jorge F. Zeballos, "Attempting the Impossible," General Conference, October 2009).
"Tempered glass, like tempered steel, undergoes a well-controlled heating process which increases strength. Thus, when tempered glass is under stress, it will not easily break into jagged shards that can injure.
Likewise, a temperate soul—one who is humble and full of love—is also a person of increased spiritual strength. With increased spiritual strength, we are able to develop self-mastery and to live with moderation. We learn to control, or temper, our anger, vanity, and pride. With increased spiritual strength, we can protect ourselves from the dangerous excesses and destructive addictions of today’s world" (Elder Kent D. Watson, "Being Temperate in All Things," General Conference, October 2009).
"For most, repentance is more a journey than a one-time event. It is not easy. To change is difficult. It requires running into the wind, swimming upstream. Jesus said, “If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross and follow me.”18 Repentance is turning away from some things, such as dishonesty, pride, anger, and impure thoughts, and turning toward other things, such as kindness, unselfishness, patience, and spirituality. It is “re-turning” toward God. . .
"Sometimes in our repentance, in our daily efforts to become more Christlike, we find ourselves repeatedly struggling with the same difficulties. As if we were climbing a tree-covered mountain, at times we don’t see our progress until we get closer to the top and look back from the high ridges. Don’t be discouraged. If you are striving and working to repent, you are in the process of repenting." (Elder Neil L. Anderson, " Repent. . . That I May Heal You," General Conference, October 2009).
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