I'm back. I've been through a lot in the last five months: grieving the loss of several friends, dealing with injuries my hubby sustained at work, taking care of a very sick little girl back in November, being a rock for my hubby as he continues his education, as well as dealing with the day-to-day struggle of financial instabilities that come with Tyler being a student. A few months ago, I thought that I had power over my addiction to food, but unfortunately, over the past several months of extreme stress, I turned to food once again to medicate and numb the stress in my life. As the holidays concluded, I was heartbroken to see what succumbing to my addiction had yielded: a staggering and rapid weight-gain. I was devastated.
I found myself at a crossroads. I could continue to give up on myself. I could beat myself up and believe myself a complete and miserable failure. I could see myself as too far gone. Or I could dig deeper, give this thing another try, and get back on track, knowing that if I lost 76 pounds once, I could lose weight again.
As I was positioning myself to make this decision, I spoke to my wise husband about the church's 12-Step Addiction Recovery Program. He acquired a workbook for me and I set off on a journey to healing through the twelve steps as interpreted through the doctrines of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. In short, I made a conscious decision to once again, involve my Heavenly Father and His son to share this journey with me. I chose hope. Right away, I began to see a change in my willpower, my desire, my perspective.
I also discovered a reality show through Netflix streaming, called "Ruby." The show follows a morbidly obese woman who once weighed 719 pounds, as she battles her weight and fights for a better life. The show was so helpful and informational for me. I learned so much about myself as Ruby spoke with her therapists, doctors, and nutritionist. I learned about the nature of addiction and about the necessity of finding out what caused the addiction to form in the first place.
Without going into any detail, I explored my past and found that perhaps my food had become a coping mechanism at an early age. As I learn to deal with pain, stress, self-doubt, fear, and discomfort head-on, in a more productive and positive way, I am confident that I will be able to be freed from my need for food as a drug. Involving the Savior in this journey will make me that much stronger, and by His grace, I will see many miracles as I strive to get my life back on track.
A week ago, I went back to Weight Watchers to face the music. I was shocked by how much weight I had managed to pack back on in such a short time period, but it was a lesson to me: I can never go back to my old ways. I learned that if I do what I had always done then, I will continue to get what I had gotten then. Fat. And miserable. This week, I have started to track every bite again. I have exercised every day, but not nearly as much as I had before. I want to be a little more sensible and practical, since this is a lifestyle I will need to maintain for the rest of my life. I used all my points as well as all my splurge points and I really didn't feel deprived at all. I was so suprised and elated to find that I had lost SEVEN pounds last night at my weigh in.
Now, I am hoping that I can find the momentum to keep making positive, sensible choices each day. I know that the Lord will help me if I turn to Him for He is so very good to me. I can do all things through Him. He wants me to be healthy.
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