Help! I am so frustrated with myself! After working so hard to build good health habits, for so long, I can feel myself slipping. I'm not sure what's going on, but I have found it increasingly difficult to keep my focus on tracking and exercising. I'm sure the root of the problem is the tremendous amount of stress that our family is under: schedules, school, finances, church callings, grief, etc. I mentioned in this list, grief. In the last eight weeks, Tyler and I have lost eight good friends. Included in this list are our next-door neighbor, one of my good friends from my childhood (died from Lupus), a former co-worker with three young children (A L Leukemia), a sweet older neighbor from my childhood, and as I mentioned a few posts ago, our good friend who died of cancer a few weeks ago. This cumulative grief, especially the heartache I am feeling for the younger families, has been very stressful and difficult for me to deal with. My Katie Bug is not adjusting well to her new school, a charter school with a more difficult curriculum than she is accustomed to, so I have also been spending a lot of time helping her and caring for her emotional needs as she deals with the changes that come with switching schools. She has been extremely moody, clingy, and sensitive. Luckily, Matthew is really doing well with the transition. Macey is now in preschool, which she is loving. The new need for babysitting twice a week, due to mine and Tyler's crazy schedules, has been hard on all of the kids, but especially Macey, who has reverted in her potty-training. So we have to add potty-training to the mix...again! And Tyler's workload with school and his job has been INSANE! I hope I can just keep things as normal as possible for our little family, but it's been hard because there is just so little consistency for our poor children. Each day is different, with a different routine. I am grateful for my awesome family. Without them, these challenges would be so much more intense. Tyler's Mom has been watching the kids on Tuesdays, and my parents take them on Thursdays. My Mom has also been watching them on Wednesday nights so I can attend my WW meetings.
I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer, but all the stress is getting to me. And I have turned to food. It's always worked for me before when times got hard, and I'm afraid that I still haven't learned completely that doing this to myself is self-destructive behavior. Actually, I know it is self-destructive, I just can't stop doing it. I really need to work through this. I need to turn again to the Lord in prayer, fasting, and study His word. I really believe that my addiction to food is bigger than I am right now. I need His help. I know that I am entitled to it as long as I am doing my part.
Another issue that I constantly struggle with is the state of our home. I am not naturally an organized person. Keeping our home clean and clutter-free, for whatever reason, is a Herculean task for me. I know that this is something difficult for many moms, but I think that my home is worse than most. On the spectrum from Martha Stewart being a one and an episode of Hoarders being a ten, our home is usually at about a six. I know that I need to work on this. I know it will help my family to feel more relaxed and peaceful in the midst of all the turbulence we are sailing through these days. The way I see it, I have to improve in several areas right now, and all of them at once. They are all urgent! I need to improve my health, my financial situation, my home maintenence skills and organization, and as always, work on my relationships with my family.
I think that all the stress is the main reason that I have turned to overeating, but I also miss my husband. I really only see him a few hours during the week. He is at school all day, then hurries off to work. On his days off, he is taken away for Young Men's activities. When neither of us has obligations, we spend the time frantically studying, writing papers, and preparing presentations for school. It has been ages since we have gone to the temple together or just to a movie or something. Still, our relationship is still very strong. We try to cherish each possible moment together. When we're not together, we text or talk on the phone as often as we can.
This is turning out to be world's longest blog post ever, so I'll try to wrap it up on a positive note. The Brigham City temple is going to be dedicated this Sunday, so we have decided to use that opportunity to rededicate our home as well. I am cleaning and purging all the junk I possibly can to prepare. It has been exhausting to do, but our home is looking better than it has for a long, long time. I am hoping that rededicating the home will remind us all that it should be a sacred place, away from the world; a haven. I pray that we will be able to work together to keep it nice and neat (er) so the Spirit can always dwell there. I am NOT giving up on getting healthier. I know that I can do this and that I am NOT expected to do it on my own. My Savior understands pain, addiction, stress, loneliness, and all the other factors that are holding me back. I know that His love and guidance are the key to getting back on track and I am counting on my faith to bring me back into focus with my weightloss goals. Dear Readers, will you please pray for me as I try to do better? Thank you for letting me vent today. I love you all!
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